Your guide to the Cubs Convention

Your guide to the Cubs Convention
"Is thing all on this floor? I don't really do stairs. What time's the Dance Party?"

Another reminder that this newsletter moved away from Substack, but your account moved with it, so you don't have to do anything, unless you don't currently have a paid subscription and you'd like to take advantage of our 25% off moving sale. You can sign up for a year or by the month.

Like the swallows migrating back to Capistrano, the weekend before Martin Luther King Day marks the return of sweatpants wearing Cubs fans to the only time they'll see the sun before April. The most exercise they'll get all year is carting around their binders full of baseball cards to try to get prospects to sign. It's time for the Cubs Convention.

As many of you know, I used to go to the Convention. My dad loved it, and my mom would buy him two tickets for Christmas every year and then announce, "Andy will go with you, because I'm not." We went for several years. We learned many of the ins and outs, dos and don'ts and then we got tired of the Convention itself and I just started going to the hotel bar (Shitty O'Keas in the Hilton and Towers) to hang out with some of you degenerates and mingle with a bunch of former Cubs who were just happy to have a free hotel room for a couple of nights. That was more fun.

Then, the Ricketts fucked the whole thing up (sound familiar?) and moved it to the Sheraton. I went to that bar (across the street, no less) once and decided that was enough.

I did have a few highlights though of my time in the trenches. They include, in no particular order:

  • Getting Ryne Sandberg's autograph, seeing his daughter standing nearby, asking him how old she was and winking. Ryne's look was blanker than normal. I don't think he thought it was a funny as I did.
  • Getting Jim Frey's autograph and telling him, "Don't worry Jim. We'll get 'em in game six!"
  • Drinking with Bob Dernier, Keith Moreland and Jody Davis, having Bobby D. inexplicably let me wear his Phillies National League Championship ring and then having him hand me things fans were asking him and Keith to sign so I could sign them, too. To prove I'm not a complete ass, I refused to sign actual memorabilia or balls, but I signed a lot of convention passes. I would love to have seen some of those people the next morning trying to figure out what it said. "Who the hell was this guy?"
  • Introducing my dad to Len Kasper and Pat Hughes, and then Pat introducing him to Ron Santo. If you don't think Ron called my dad "Big Boy" and my dad loved it, you are very wrong.
  • Having a beer with Paul Sullivan and Bruce Miles only for Jim Hendry to stroll over, hang out and buy us all another drink. Then when Jim left, Crane Kenney swung through and I got to tell him to fuck off. I'm a people person, gang.
  • Gordon Wittenmyer acting like a tough guy because I made fun of him too much. The crux of his argument was that an article I wrote the summer before (2008) was particularly offensive. Gordon had written some shitty thing about 101 reasons not to get too giggly about the Cubs in June so, I wrote 101 reasons Gordon is a douche. The part that really bothered him was that I included a graphic where I put his face on a Massengill box. "My son could have seen that!" he yelled at me. "You don't think he already knows?" was my response.
  • I went to a lot of sessions, was hung over in a lot of them, slept through a few. Why is it my most memorable things happened in the bar? I guess that's why I started going back just to go the bar and not even bother to buy a pass.

Anyway, thanks to everybody's first or second favorite regional sports network in town, Marquee Sports Network, we can watch the sessions from the comfort of our homes. I'll do a lot of that this weekend and make fun of it right here in the newsletter. But do not make me watch Ian Happ's awful podcast. I do not have the will to survive that.

Some of you will make the trek into the big city to attend, and for you, I offer a few tips.

There's no need for a Saturday night hotel room. You need and want one on Friday so you can skip the opening ceremonies and drink until the former players wander in and then drink with them. That's the best part of the whole weekend.

Go to sessions on Saturday and then get out of there. Saturday night blows, and there's nothing on Sunday worth sticking around for. They always have some prospect thing that morning and they're even more hung over than you'd be.

For many years, Saturday night's highlight was a dance party. Seriously. They had a DJ in the ballroom and the convention attendees would dance. It's just as sad as it sounds.

If they still do the Cubs garage sale, hit that on Friday afternoon. It's where they sell off all of the old jerseys and pants and locker room miscellanea that Cubs Charities won't bother to try to auction for real money. One of my favorite memories (hand to God) was a lady holding a game used jersey up to one of her pre-teenage kids and saying, "I think this will fit!" and then when she turned the jersey around to show her husband, it was Wendell Kim's. I laughed. He looked at me and he laughed. She bought it. The kid wore it.

I still have two of Henry Blanco's locker name plates that I bought one year for a grand total of $4. I need to remember to add those to my will.

Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if the Ricketts have screwed up the garage sale, too. I'll bet everything's an auction now. God, they're the worst.

I'm not sure how they do the autograph raffles these days. That's how I got Sandberg's autograph years ago. It's just as much fun to go to the ones where the lesser players and lesser former players are just sitting there. My dad saw Bill Buckner signing and went over to get one for me and Bill's line was so short that dad and he just hung out for 15 minutes, with both of them bitching about how much players strike out these days ("these days" was probably 2006). I still come across the old player cards they would give you to have signed. I found some real doozies when I was rearranging my home office around Christmas. Chad Meyers, Damon Buford, Rodney Myers and Chip Caray. Legends all.

I defy you to go to a session where the first question isn't asked by Crawly. I have no idea how he does it. But he's been at it for 20+ years. He is somehow always first in line at the microphone. Always. Back before I knew who Crawly was, I knew who he was because every day he had a different customized Cubs jersey with Crawly on the back of it.

The Cubs have published a list of the players, former players and dignitaries who will be attending this year's convention. The big names, of course are Sammy Sosa and Kyle Tucker. Sammy's making his triumphant return after more than 20 years (I do remember sitting in the very large ballroom in 2002 watching Kap interview him and Sammy mostly just waving kids up to sign autographs instead of answering all the hard-hitting questions, "What's with the hop?" That was most likely Sammy's last appearance until Friday.) Tucker is making his one and only appearance before his one and only season as a Cub.

But I'm here for you. Here's an icebreaker to use for many of the attendees if you find yourself next to them at an autograph table, the elevator, the urinal or if you recognize their shoes in the stall next to yours.

Ian Happ - "The hairplugs you have left look pretty good."
Ben Brown - "How's your neck? Did you fuck it up on that bomb you gave up to Jeimer in your last start?"
Michael Busch - "When you homered in those five straight games in April it was awesome. Did you ever hit another one?"
Petecrow Armstrong - "You're even weirder looking in person. I mean that as a compliment." (I'll bet Petecrow would take it as a compliment.)
Nico Hoerner - "Hey, you're back! Mariners didn't want you?"
Luke Little - "Luke Little! You are not."
Julian Merryweather - "Hey, is there a story about why your nickname is Jerry?"
Justin Steele - "Do the Cubs have any of your jerseys in your actual size?"
Dansby Swanson - "Hey, you're Mallory's husband! Right?"
Jameson Taillon - "I thought they traded you. Oh, well, good luck, or whatever."
Jordan Wicks - "Why do you do a commercial for a jeweler in Rockford?" (Honestly, I would absolutely like to know the answer to this.)
Rob Zastryzny - "Holy shit. How are YOU the only 2016 Cub left on the team?"
Paul Bako - "Gabor! I remember you. You were fucking terrible."
Andre Dawson - "I'm perfectly healthy, but I would absolutely let you cremate me if you'd like to."
Ryan Dempster - "Your Harry Caray impression makes me want to murder everyone in this room. I'm kidding. Just you."

Shawon Dunston - Take it away, Praz.

audio-thumbnail
Shawon
0:00
/8.515918

Reed Johnson - "Remember that time you caught that ball in Washington and you hit the wall with your face and you ran back to the dugout with the bill of your cap all smushed back? That was awesome!"

Derrek Lee - "You are really cool."
Jon Lieber - "Can we just pretend that when you left after the 2002 season that you never came back to the Cubs?"
Bill Madlock - "What did you think of PK Wrigley?"
Gary Matthews Sr. - "Nice hat."
E-ramis Ramirez - "Congratulations on the Utility Tunnel of Fame. You're way overqualified for it."
Ryne Sandberg - "I'm really glad you're here."
Sammy Sosa - "Why did you and your brother have $20,000 wrapped in a towel in a hotel lobby in Caracas?"
Geovany Soto - "It's legal here, now."
Rick Sutcliffe - "How's Ryder's little league team gonna do this year?"
Matt Szczur - "Did Addison Russell ever give you your sliding shorts back? I'll bet that sonofabitch didn't, did he?"
Randy Wells - "How's the Camaro running?"
Billy Williams - "You are the coolest."
Kerry Wood - "When does the broadcasting part of your personal services contract finally kick in? Dan Bernstein and I want to know."
Boog Sciambi - "I thought your shoes would be cooler."
Cole Wright - "Does your vocabulary include anything other than nicknames?"
Taylor McGregor - "My mom and dad are over there if you want to interview them."
Craig Counsell - "What's it like not having to work the first two days of October now?"
Carter Hawkins - "You even smell like mayonnaise."
Jed Hoyer - "Is there any part of your job you're actually good at?"
Tom Ricketts - "Where's Todd? Out back eating paste?"
Crane Kenney - "Go fuck yourself."

Now you're ready to avoid any number of awkward social interactions this weekend.

You're welcome.