Step on up and get some crap!

It's a tradition unlike any other. Every year the Cubs put out their calendar of promotional items, and every year I write a column to make fun of it. During my years at The Athletic it was one of my favorite columns to write because I didn't have to wait until Sunday night to finish it. Nothing was going to change between Wednesday and my Monday column, unless Todd Ricketts accidentally took a hose to the Pat Hughes sweaters and they had to change the giveaway.

This is the 150th anniversary of the founding of the Cubs and the National League, and the giveaway quality appears to have been bumped up. It's nice to see. Given the price of tickets these days it had better.

March kicks off with the old ballpark staple, the magnet schedule. It's cheap, and yet I'm a sucker for them. It's an Opening Day tradition, as timeless as the Cubs' newest free agent striking out four times in their debut, and somebody getting hammered and falling into the basket during the seventh inning stretch. Sometimes, that is the same person.

This one has monkeys playing baseball on it! How cute!

What? That's what the "Cub" mascot used to look like? Honestly, I thought it was just Randy Martz with his shirt off.

On March 28 against the Nats the first 10,000 fans will get a chance to dress like every pasty white Cubs front office member with this puffer vest.

I honestly think you could put this on, wander into the pitch lab and spend 20 minutes telling Tommy Hottovy that you ran the numbers and they tell us that Shōta would be 11% more effective if he threw his change up underhand, and nobody would kick you out.

The University Nights hats are inproved this year. The first one is for UIC. They all look like some version of this, so we're not going to show them all.

They don't say Cubs or have the logo on the front. I think it's less a stylistic choice and more that there are certain universities they don't want to be directly connected to. I can't think of a specific example. cough Illinois State cough

The bobbleheads are better this year, and they start off with an iconic moment in Cubs' history. The first is on April 11 versus Pissburgh.

Here's Ben Zobrist yelling at his pastor.

No, wait. I'm told that's him celebrating the biggest hit in the history of the franchise in game seven against Cleveland. Sorry Ben. But not you, Juliana.

The Cubs are giving away a lot of replica jerseys this year, most of them on Budweiser Bleacher Fridays, but this one is for Jackie Robinson Day, April 17 v. the Mets. It's a replica of the 1947 Cubs home jersey with Jackie's Dodgers number 42 on the back. It's pretty sweet.

Will the players be wearing these, too? Probably not. But they should. Well, not the replica ones, I mean a game quality version of it. But to Fanatics, that's basically the same thing. Both are made out of tissue.

April 18 v. the Mets - Ron Santo Bobblehead
On the pod this week, Praz asked why Ron Santo has a "spring up his ass." He meant the bobblehead, but honestly, I'm not going to vouch for the man's remains.

For those of you who aren't old, this is Ron doing his victory "heel clicks" back when his legs were still attached. When the Cubs would win a big game, Ron would jump in the air like a heavy legged Italian leprechaun to celebrate. It delighted...somebody, I guess, and pissed off the Cubs' opponents. Which honestly, is worth it.

Just to piss off your Fox News watching dad, in February the Boy Scouts were rebranded Scouting America, because well, you don't have to be a boy to be a Boy Scout. The Girl Scouts are still the Girls Scouts because you do have to be a girl. Let your dad rant about something as obvious and harmless as this, while you show him the patches the Cubs gave you on April 19 v. the Mets.

I wonder if they will give Dansby a merit badge for hitting a curveball this year? No, of course not. He'd have to do it first.

So far, pretty good Cubs. You haven't trotted out a dud yet that's just some awful promotion for one of your corporate partners.

Well, shit. Spoke too soon. Put your tickets on StubHub for April 22 against the Phillies and avoid this piece of shit Survivor 50 Cap and Adventure Wrap. Adventure Wrap? That sounds like a condom brand you'd find in a truck stop bathroom.

On the almost 28 year anniversary of Kerry Wood's 20 strikeout game, the Cubs are giving away a bobblehead of Kerry with a shot of the bleachers from that day with the fans wearing the 34 jerseys of various basketball players and the K's that that one guy handed out. It was a thing. Just go with it. Pick this up on May 2 against the D'bags. And just think how excited Pat Hughes will be to get one.

The next day, take your kid to get a Cade Horton t-shirt that looks like something you buy at a 7-11 in Jupiter, Florida when you drink too much and barf on your clothes.

Looks good on you, though.

The day after that, May 3, still against the D'bags it's Celiac Awareness day and you get...to be aware of celiac I guess. There's no giveaway, but a portion of your ticket price will go to the Celiac Disease Foundation, which is nice. Symptoms of celiac disease are diarrhea, fatigue, bloating and anemia. Apparently listening to Alex Cohen has the same effect on me as gluten.

Wait, there is a giveaway that day! It's Youth Baseball and Softball Sunglasses!

Your kid can get a free pair of shades and spend their little league season wearing them on their hat and pissing off Bob Brenly. And he'll be at the park that day in the D'bags TV booth. Well, unless he's recently announced a Marcus Stroman start.

May 4 against the Reds is Grogu Bobblehead day. I'd say he's "always going to be Baby Yoda to me," but the name Grogu is fine. I love the people who are like, "that's a dumb name." What the fuck did you think Yoda was?

This is a nice bobble. I like the floating baseball. Grogu can repel balls from his hands, just like Seiya Suzuki in right field.

May is lousy with giveaways, I'm going to jump ahead to May 19 against the Brewers for hands down the worst one. The sentiment is noble, the execution is, well it's awful.

You couldn't make a hat that isn't this shitty? Honestly, I'm just glad it doesn't say Make America Mental Again. That same night is also Northwestern University Cap night, so that'll suck, too. Congrats on two bad hats, Harry.

May 20 is Mexican Heritage Jersey night against the Brewers and it's pretty good. And, if you buy a package for 15 or more of your buddies you get a pretty sweet bomber jacket. How random is that?

I hope Javier Assad starts that night. I mean, he's famously Mexican. Nobody would ever forget that and claim he was Venezuelan just because his visa was delayed like his Venezuelan teammates, Moises Ballesteros and Christian Bethancourt. I mean, who would be that dumb?

May 24 is another cool bobblehead. It's of Ryne Sandberg and he's holding a Gold Glove plaque and standing on a stack of Gold Gloves. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's Harry Hamlin holding the plaque.

It's a good bobble, even if it looks nothing like Ryne. They do have the blank stare down pretty well, though.

June 2nd the A's are in town and it's Lou Gehrig Disease Awareness Day. The first 5,000 bleacher fans get a t-shirt.

I'm not going to use the old hack joke about Lou being surprised to find out he caught a disease that was named after him. But I would make the same joke about former Cub Heinie Peyronie.

June 4 v. the A's is Puerto Rican Heritage Jersey Day. There's a rumor that Bad Bunny is going to sing the stretch.

But honestly it's far more likely to be Ivan DeJesus.

The Bud Fridays replica jerseys kick off in full swing with this beauty from the 1910s, June 5 v. the Giants.

It's really nice. Again, I think the Cubs should be wearing real versions of these in the game (well, modern versions, because it'd be our luck that in his first start back Justin Steele would die of wool poisoning).

June 7 whatever Wendella is (is it Wendell Kim's daughter?) is sponsoring these Wrigley Field banks. It's a nice idea, but it really looks more like somebody took a Wrigley Field shaped dump on your desk.

June 15 is Pride Night v. the Rockies. This jersey is solid. I just wish it was against the Padres to piss off Jason Adam.

On June 16 your kid can get a Cubs Soccer Jersey. It's nice. Good job, Cubs. And the first 11 kids in the park that day get to play in an actual Premier League game for Crystal Palace.

The next day is Japanese Heritage Jersey Day and this jersey has a lot of kanji on it. I really hope they let Shōta and Seiya design it and the writing just says "Crane and Tom Suck."

June 19 versus the Blue Jays is another replica jersey day. This one is from the 1930s, and looks a lot like the Jackie Robinson Day jersey but with piping. It's fine.

Bring dad to the park on Father's Day and let the Cubs give him a cheap t-shirt instead of having to buy one for him.

Apparently the Cubs really over bought those kids' sunglasses. Because they're back on June 21 against the Rockies.

July 5 against the hated and hilariously lousy Cardinals is Clark the Cub Building Block Set Day. Give your kid the gift of generic legos so they can build a pantless bear.

July 17 against the Twins is Cubs 1940s-50s Jersey Day, and I've always liked this one.

The Cubs should do something with this to improve their very dull, very dated current gray road jersey. Get on that, Carter. Do something for once, you mayo complected dipshit.

July 18 against the Twins is the 2016 World Series Celebration. Your favorite World Champion Cubs will drunkenly sing the seventh inning stretch, and there's a 97% chance Jon Lester swears.

On July 22 against the Tigers you can get a surprise pin honoring the 2016 Cubs. There are four and you'll randomly be given one.

"Collect all four?" I have to buy four tickets for this? How about give me all four?

July 31 against the Yankees you'll get a 1960s replica home jersey. The extra white around the logo has always been a nice look.

Later that series against the Yankees, it's Cubs Marquee Night Light. Thankfully it's the actual marquee, not the awful TV network. What would that nightlight be? Cole Wright comes to your house and randomly shines a flashlight at you while yelling, "Like Cool Papa Bell, you can get under the covers before the room gets dark!"

Uh oh. I may have given them an idea.

August 14 against the Cardinals is 1980s replica jersey day, and what's irritating about this is it's the jersey they promised us for the Ryne Sandberg tribute game last year and then cheaped out and had everybody wear the current stupid blue alternate. They should redo that alternate into an updated version of this.

You some Cardinals fan is going to get one and pay real money to have BARTMAN 03 put on the back. Enjoy fifth place, Cletus.

So far, the jerseys have all been good. Well, that streak is about to end with a big, wet turd of a thud.

The Cuba jersey? The jersey that was so bad that they got special permission from MLB to redo them again after just three seasons? Is this Fan Unappreciation Weekend?

The bobbleheads are back and this is an odd one, on August 30 against the Reds, it's a Cubs bobble to honor...

Johnny Knoxville!

You don't see it?

Why is it so hard for this ownership to fittingly honor Harry? They fuck it up at every turn.

And, what's in the cup?

If it wasn't going to look like him, couldn't it at least have looked like Uncle Baby Billy?

That same day is the Utility Tunnel of Fame induction day for Jody Davis and Jon Lester. Shockingly, the Bears season won't have started so people might actually pay attention this time. There's a 99% chance Lester swears.

August 31 against the Brewers is Girls Night Out at the Ballpark. And the giveaway is an Alice and Wonder bag. Whatever that it. I'm sure it's nice.

Bring 14 or more of your girlfriends and you all get jackets, for some reason.

September 3 is Hello Kitty Night against Milwaukee. All I know is that the Giants have been doing Hello Kitty Day every year for a while and it usually turns into a riot with a bunch of 11 year old girls punching each other when they run out of giveaways.

September 11 against Pissburgh is Cubs Math Education Event.

There will be themed contests and the big one has a special prize. Prove (and show your work) that burning jet fuel can't melt steel beams and win a guest spot on Matt Shaw's new TPUSA podcast.

September 13 v. the Pirates has two giveaways, and the first...you guessed it. They still have way too fucking many kids' sunglasses.

Third time's a charm.

It's also Sammy Sosa bobblehead night, and this is a good one. If this is 1998 or 2001 Sammy he's hopping because he just hit a 500 foot bomb over Waveland. If it's 2004 Sammy, he just popped out to short. Either way, cool bobble.

September 14 is Deaf Inclusive Crewneck night v. the Barves.

It's nice. I like it. Good job.

September 15 v. Atlanta is Hispanic and Latino Heritage Month Celebration and look at this thing:

This is going to be the go to shirt for cookouts for the next ten years for some lucky Cubs fans. It's gaudy and audacious in the best possible way.

And finally, September 24 against the Marlins is fan appreciation day.

They'd better do better than this sad pennant. But you already know what they're going to be giving away...

All in all, not bad. Some really good ones, some pointless shit and some failed attempts. In a way, the giveaways accurately represent the organization.