Non-roster invitees ain't what they used to be

The Cubs published their list of non roster invitees yesterday and it was disappointing the same way that when you purposely tune into a terrible movie and find out you don't know any of the people in the opening credits who made that piece of shit. It's more fun to make fun of people you've heard of.

In the old days it seemed like there were always some fun washed up guys trying to make the team.

Just ten years ago the Cubs' NRI list included a bunch of fun guys like Tim Federowicz, Ryan Kalish, Munenori Kawasaki and best of all...Matt Murton! Federowicz, Kalish and Kawasaki all got World Series rings, Kawasaki was even still around at the end to wreak havoc in all four champagne celebrations.

In 2014 the list of NRI included future stars Kris Bryant, Javy Baez and Kyle Hendricks. But oh yes, there were still plenty of bums like Kalish (the first time before he got hurt and missed all of the 2025 season) Chris Coghlan, Tsyuoshi Wada, the immortal Brian Schlitter, John Baker and...sigh...Tommy Hottovy. He was a pitcher, and a bad one, before the Cubs anointed him a genius teacher of men.

OK, let's do one more. How about the guys who weren't on the 40-man roster but still were given the chance to join Dale Sveum's 2012 squad.

Some of my favorites were on this list. Remember Rodrigo Lopez, the journeyman pitcher from Thalnepanila, Mexico who pitched 11 years in the big leagues and who led both the American League (2006 in Baltimore) and the National League (2010 in Arizona) in losses? He also led each league in earned runs allowed (same years) and he basically won the triple crown in 2010 because he also led the NL in homers allowed. What a stud. What I loved about him is that he perfectly copied Greg Maddux' pitching motion, with slightly different results, and I affectionally still refer to him as MexiGreggie.

So, MexiGreggie was there, so was everybody's favorite Iowan substitute teacher Bobby Scales, former Rockies' reliever Many Corpses, I mean, Manny Corpas, Chris Rusin, who I could never tell apart from his teammate Brooks Raley, except Raley IS STILL PITCHING IN THE BIG LEAGUES.

By the way, Bobby Scales is now the Tigers' radio color analyst, and he's really good at it.

2012 was Brett Jackson's final big league camp before he started the company that sells TV networks (like Marquee) those stupid graphics that show how many feet the wind is helping or hurting flyballs in different parts of the outfield. I'm not making this up. It's called Weather Applied Metrics, and the site says this:

While playing center field for Major League Baseball's Chicago Cubs, Brett Jackson came to learn he couldn't read the winds accurately by the traditional methods of looking at flags or tossing grass into the air. Inside a ballpark like Wrigley Field, swirling winds could push balls in unpredictable directions, sometimes turning weak popups into home runs, and other times making a well-struck ball into an easier catch than he initially expected.

Brett began to wonder if there wasn't a better way, and started asking questions. If we understood the winds better, how would we change the positioning of fielders? How much have the careers of different players been affected by the weather in their home ballparks? He brought the questions up with a close family friend, Bill Martin, chief meteorologist for the Fox 2 Bay Area television station. Bill was intrigued, and organized an all-star team of scientists to begin answering questions like these. Weather Applied Metrics was born.

They even managed to find a photo of Brett playing for the Cubs where he's not striking out.

That's him right after he struck out.

Other 2012 NRI Cubs included Bob Brenly's kid Michael (who sucked) and veteran utility player Alfredo Amezega who had hit .182 for the Rockies and Marlins the year before but figured he could still make the 2012 Cubs. He was wrong.

But one guy knew he could make the team. Joe Mather! He made it and wore E-ramis Ramirez's number 16 in the first game after E-ramis had left for the Brewers. At some point Joe must have figured he didn't deserve to wear such an iconic Cubs' number so he changed...to 21. Oh, well.

He played 103 games at first, third, and all three outfield spots and he even pitched. He was terrible at all of it.

And one guy who I really wish had been on the 2025 Cubs was an NRI in 2012. Can you imagine how much we'd have loved it if The Carjacker, Reese McGuire had a chance to catch former Cubs' relief prospect Trey McNutt?

Trey was a 32nd round pick of the Cubs in 2009 and he played eight seasons in the minors, one year in Mexico and three in independent ball. He never made it to the big leagues. Probably because he was terrifying.

So, are any of the 2026 Cubs going to be fondly remembered or mocked years from now?

Well, Trent Thornton is clearly a fucking dork, so there's that.

But his nickname is The Big Dreidel, so he's probably kinda fun. I guess we'll find out.

Trent's not pitching for Team Israel in the World Baseball Classic this year, but former Cubs Matt Mervis, Eli Morgan and Robert Stock are on the team. And Jason Marquis is the bullpen coach!

Christian Bethancourt is this year's Carjacker, I mean, he's the third catcher they are going to try to stash in Iowa until Miguel Amaya inevitably falls down the dugout steps, I'm not saying Christian has ever been caught whackin' it in a parking lot. That we know of.

But Bethancourt and Amaya are both on Team Panama's WBC roster, so until they're eliminated I guess either Carson Kelly catches every inning of the Cacti League games for the Cubs, or every pitch just rolls to the backstop. You know, kinda like when Michael Barrett used to catch.

Scott Kingery, a former second round pick of the Phillies is trying to make the team as a utility player. He's going to just sit next to Matt Shaw in the clubhouse and every time Matt says anything he'll say, "Wow. That's a great point. You should think about podcasting. Do you know anybody who runs a huge rage-filled podcast network who might hire you? I can handle backing up Nico and Dansby while you're gone."

Here's the craziest thing about Scott Kingery. When they first signed him I thought, "Damn, that guy is old." Then I realized I was thinking of Mike Kingery, who played for the Mariners and Giants and other teams, and who is old. He's 64. So then I figured Scott is Mike's kid. And here's where it gets weird.

Scott's full name is Scott Michael Kingery.

Mike's full name is Michael Scott Kingery. But Scott is not Prison Mike's kid. They're not related at all. Maybe this only amazed me.

There are two guys who might actually make the team and who are clearly competing with each other for a spot. It might be the only real spring drama, considering that even guys battling for bullpen spots usually end up all being on the big league roster eventually.

But the Cubs need a fourth outfielder, preferably a right handed hitting one so Craig can bench Ian Happ against lefties (he'll never do it, though). The actual rostered guy in the mix is Kevin Alcantara, but the Cubs can ask MLB for a fourth option year on Kevin so he can be sent back to Iowa and honestly, he probably should at least start the season there. So that leaves two-time World Series champion Chas McCormick and former Cardinals' first round draft pick Dylan Carlson.

McCormick is a good defensive outfielder and stole 19 bases in 2023 (he's stolen a total of 18 in his other four big league seasons combined though–with 10 caught stealings) and he has 85th percentile speed. But he also hasn't hit for shit in either of the last two full seasons.

Carlson is a switch hitter and just wait until Boog finds out he played high school baseball with Nick Madrigal. We're never going to hear the end of that shit. I'd cut him right now if I were Jed. He hasn't been any good since 2021, but the real reason to root for him is that if he somehow gets it back together it will drive Cardinals' fans nuts. And who doesn't like that?

Carlson has a really strong arm (91 MPH average on his outfield throws, which honestly has to be really fucking annoying for cut off men), so maybe the Cubs will move him to the bullpen. JUST THINK OF WHAT THE PITCH LAB COULD DO WITH HIM?

He's also an above average runner. He's good at squaring the ball up (96th percentile in his rookie season) and doesn't chase, but that's without even average bat speed, so he has poor exit velocities. But he does draw walks. He's wearing Ronny Cedeno's old number five, but for his career he has positive base running value, so don't expect him to get thrown out going from first to second on a walk.

He's 27, so either he figures it out now, or never.

My guess? This is his first spring with a team that trains in Arizona and he's going to hit the shit out of the ball, and get the Gage Workman treatment from the fans and the media...and like Gage, he'll be back in Toledo by May.