Tom Ricketts' letter...translated

You saw what he wrote, now see what he meant.

Tom Ricketts' letter...translated

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Every year I look forward to the email from my close personal friend Tom Ricketts where he wraps up the season with some sage words for all of his best pals. Wait, that’s not right, his best pals are his beloved corporate partners. Anyway, he always includes me when he sends out his annual season recap email, and this year was no exception.

Luckily, I ran it through Google translate’s new billionaire bullshit to English filter and shockingly, unlike just about everything else at Google these days, it works.

So let’s take a look at what Tom wrote, and then read between the lines.


Cubs fans,

Dear rubes,

There is no way to sugarcoat it

But I’m counting on how dumb most of you are, so I’m going to sugarcoat the shit out of this.

– this is not where we planned to finish the season.

Well, the 83 wins are exactly where we planned to finish, but we thought it would be enough. Who knew that other teams were actually going to try this year?

Like our fans, we had high expectations for our team this year and early victories delivered hope for postseason baseball.

We were so good there for…a couple of weeks in April. Who knew it wouldn’t last?

But inconsistent play and injuries upended that promise, leading us into a hole too deep to recover from despite another second half surge.

The hole was so, so deep. Almost as deep as the hole was that the day laborers I paid off the books dug when I bought my neighbor’s house and then tore it down and buried it so I could rid the neighborhood of that eyesore. Not the house. My neighbor’s kid. You’ve never seen a kid that ugly. We think it was a little boy, but who could tell? Cece and I were afraid that even without a house the kid would still come back to eat bugs or frogs in the yard or something. That kid was so ugly their parents had to hang a pork chop around its neck to get their dog to play with it.

So, what was I talking about?

Bottom line, we did not play a complete season of competitive baseball.

We did play a complete season of competitive football though. We were 10-7 after the first 17 games, and in the NFL that’ll get you in the playoffs. Let’s see the Bears and their hotshot, age appropriate rookie quarterback do that.

As a result, we have again missed the most exciting and exhilarating month of the season – October.

It’s so exciting and so exhilarating that we’ve played exactly two playoff games in the last six seasons. Who says excitement and exhilaration are always positive? When Todd was a kid he’d get so excited and exhilarated that he’d wet his pants and start crying.

Actually, he still does that.

There are other words for excitement and exhilaration. Overstimulation and hyperactivity.

So, you might want to rethink just how excited or exhilarated you really want to get. In a way, our years long stretch of mediocrity is actually helping you and your physical and mental well-being.

You are welcome.

The work is underway to close the gap to make the Cubs a perennial playoff team.

I hired the same guys from the Home Depot parking lot who dug the hole to close the gap. They’re excellent workers. I wonder if they still will work for Yum Yum Donuts coupons?

Our baseball operations staff is redoubling its efforts to build a team that consistently plays in the postseason and delivers the promise of sustained success to Cubs fans.

Hah, redoubling, that’s a funny word. The only people who double less than our baseball ops staff are our hitters.

As for promising sustained success to our fans, the best lesson I’ve learned is to never underestimate just how dumb you idiots are. If I promised you a pony you’d fill your bath tubs with oats.

Though we fell short this season, we have strong foundations to build on.

Strong foundations. Holy shit, do people really believe this shit?

Jed, Carter and our team of coaches, analysts, scouts and strategists have created one of the top player development groups in the game today – with eight prospects on MLB Pipeline's Top 100 list – the most of any team in Major League Baseball.

I wonder if these dopes realize that most of the time 95 of the top 100 prospects turn out to be nothing? The most valuable thing about having prospects is that your fans can rationalize your terrible current roster by dreaming about how there are a bunch of kids playing for peanuts in some podunk backwater (like Omaha) who are just a little refining away from becoming superstars. The reality of course is that most of them are far more likely to get crabs from the 38-year-old divorcee bartender at the Buffalo Wild Wings in the strip mall behind the motel they’re living in six to a room, than ever learning how to hit a curveball.

After this summer's draft, the Cubs boast a top-flight player development system in most independent rankings, including #2 in USA TODAY's latest evaluation.

Nothing more prestigious than a ranking in America’s finest newspaper for hotel guests with a second grade reading level than Bob Nightengale’s very own USA Today. Also, why did I suddenly refer to the team as “the Cubs” after writing “we” before? Is that like third person, but for second tier baseball teams?

Under the leadership of manager Craig Counsell, we continued to see players develop on the major league level.

I can’t believe we had to pay that pointy little guy $8 million a year to have the same record my old buddy Rossy did the year before. Hell, I had to pay both of them this year. I’d like to see Craig finish second on Dancing With The Stars. Actually, I wonder if I could get him to take a leave of absence to compete on the show? Would I still have to pay his salary? I mean, he’d be getting paid by ABC, right? I’ll have Crane look into it.

Rookie pitcher Shota Imanaga, who signed as a free agent last offseason, had one of the best seasons as a rookie pitcher in Cubs history, leading the team with 15 wins, a 2.91 ERA, 174 strikeouts and only 28 walks.

Rookie? He’s 31 years old. He pitched eight years in Japan. We’re just going to pretend that he didn’t just have the season of his life and we wasted it by going 60-72 in the games he didn’t pitch in?

He steered the way on a memorable September night at Wrigley Field where his seven hitless innings kicked off a combined no-hitter that was closed out by Nate Pearson and Porter Hodge.

Such a memorable night that half the team didn’t even know it was a no-hitter until it was over and I had to put it in this email just remind the fans that ever happened in the first place.

Rookie Michael Busch secured a starting role at first base and slugged 21 homers with a .775 OPS.

This rookie’s 26! Our “foundation” is being built on guys who will retire because of old age three years from now. We’re basically building the team out of Frank Schwindels.

Fellow rookie Pete Crow-Armstrong brought excitement to the basepaths with six triples and a 93-percent stolen base rate. PCA also kept runs off the board with his electrifying defense.

Finally, somebody who is actually rookie aged. We got one! At his current rate of improvement, he’ll be a league average hitter when he’s Shota’s age.

Additionally, veteran Ian Happ had a career year with personal bests in home runs (25) and RBIs (86) and continues to be a clubhouse leader.

He’s my kind of star. When Happ was a rookie he hit 24 homers in 364 at bats. Now, he’s in his prime and he hit 25 homers this year and only 205 more at bats (569) to do it.

Before we turn the page on this season, I also want to thank you for helping us recognize Ryne Sandberg this year.

It’s actually not that hard to recognize Ryne. He’s usually wearing an Obvious Shirt that says, “I LOOK LIKE RYNE SANDBERG BECAUSE I AM.”

For many of us, Ryno's play defined an era, and his statue unveiling was a once-in-a-lifetime tribute to a true Cubs legend. Ryne and Margaret are forever a part of our Cubs family, and it was important for us to stand in support of his fight against cancer by hosting Cubs for a Cure this year, which helped raise $1 million to battle this terrible disease.

I’m glad he’s healthy again because he’s such a good guy. I was happy to let our charity raise a million for cancer research. Also I was happy to not have to give that much myself.

Also, how about that statue? That sculptor did an incredible job. The statue has all of Ryne’s trademarks. The Rawlings Fastback glove, the flip down shades, the glassy unblinking eyes and expressionless vacant face.

We also remain committed to making a positive impact in the community through Cubs Charities. This year, more than 17,000 students participated in our youth sports and academic programs in neighborhoods across Chicago.

For the first time ever we had a tournament made up of all age groups from the city’s little leagues. The winner got to play the big league Cubs the day after the season ended. We only lost 14-6 to them. What a plucky bunch of fourth graders.

It is these special moments and activities on and off the field that bring the players and fans together to remind us of what we all love about Cubs baseball.

Mostly, what we love about Cubs baseball is when it’s over.

It is more than a game – it is a tradition that spans decades, with our fans at its heart and soul. You bring an excitement to the ballpark that is as time-honored as the ivy-lined walls and historic scoreboard.

We value you just as much as the weeds on the walls and a hand operated scoreboard that we dwarfed on each side with big TVs that we can sell ads on.

I want to personally express my sincere gratitude for your continued loyalty to our team.

Don’t worry about turning in your season ticket renewal.

We have your credit card information on file.

Now, it is time for us to get to work to bring championship caliber baseball back to Wrigley Field.

Not actually championship baseball. “Championship caliber.” In other words, don’t get your hopes up.

Sincerely,

Tom Ricketts

In case you missed it, David Brown came by to preview the MLB semifinals.