The Cubs want to sell you their surveillance photos

On Saturday's broadcast of Matt Boyd throwing batting practice to Joshua Baez, Marquee Sports Network ran a truly disturbing promo for something they seem to think is really cool.

They promoted a new money grabbing effort by the Cubs where the innocent sounding idea is that you can get an image of yourself at your seat to commemorate your reaction to "the biggest moments at Wrigley Field!"

It's the Cubs' version of the roller coaster photos they try to sell you when you're barfing in the first garbage can you can find after you get off the ride.

Sorry, these aren't actually roller coaster photos. These are shots of kids watching Baez's ABs against Boyd.

You have to hand it to the Cubs though, this new program allows you to download their surveillance photos of you from the game.

A quick tour through that website shows that they take panoramic shots of every seat in the ballpark constantly, and then they pull somewhere between 60 and 100 during "big moments" in the game so you can find yourself and download your reaction.

And you can look at any seat in the park just by filling out a short form and filling in any email address, even ones that don't work, like ianhapp@goodplayer.com.

You have to know the section and row to really dial it in, but they give you cross sections of the park to choose from to get started.

For example, say you know that one of your pals always sits as close as he can to the left field foul pole in the bleachers in the top row. Well, it doesn't make him all that hard to find.

Wave "hi" to the people, Al.

Oh, that's unfortunate.

How about your lady friend? Have her wave hi.

OK, enough "waving."

How did you react when you got to see history when Baez became the first player ever to homer in his first three big league at bats (and he did it all in just this game.) Hey, you can even make a .gif out of these. Let's see how that looks.

Atta boy. If you can't get excited at history, why even bother to camp out for those terrible seats two hours before every game? By the way, are you going to finish that sandwich?

Why do the Cubs think this is a good idea? It allows creeps to just pick out random fans for ridicule. Can you imagine doing that? Of course not.

I guess I'm going to have to stop mooning the seventh inning stretch singers.

But that's not the most disturbing thing I've seen lately.

That would be this.

Who wants to head off to southwest Michigan to spend $15 to watch Alex Cohen talk with his eyes closed? You know what, I'll organize a bus trip.

Just how sad are these people that they would rent out a theater and think that Alex Cohen is going to draw a crowd? Was Ed Hartig busy? Is Zach Zaidman too busy with his day job of being hired to scare rats out of people's crawl spaces?

My favorite part of this is that kids are $5 but must be "accompanied by an adult." Do we really think there are a bunch of nine year olds in New Buffalo, Michigan who were going to bike over to the town this theater is in (it's Three Oaks, even though it never says it on the promo) on their own?

"Sorry kids, you're going to have to wait until you turn 13 to hear these amazing stories about the time Taylor McGregor told Alex to stop staring at her in the hot tub in Japan."

It is a good story, though. Especially the part about how when when Taylor found out Alex was going to join them in the hotel hot tub she went out and bought a full wet suit to wear.

And just how big of a loser do you have to be to get an autograph from the worst Cubs TV play by play announcer of all time?

Oh...heh, I didn't know I still had that.

My favorite autograph is also from a guy that I didn't like.

Years ago, my mom started collecting these really ornate Disney figurines that cost hundreds of dollars but could eventually be worth thousands (and they are now), and so my dad got really interested in them. He would take her to these collector's conventions all over the country to see if he could rip off some rube who didn't know that his or her Cinderella figuring was worth 10x what they bought it for, and often those conventions would also have sports celebrities there signing autographs.

My dad came home from one of these conventions and drove over to my house all excited to show me an autograph he got for me at one they went to in Chicago.

But first he had to tell me the story.

He saw that Green Bay Packers Hall of Famer, and former Illini great, Ray Nitschke was there, and dad hated the Packers as much as I do, but he went over to talk to him anyway.

He and Ray yukked it up for a minute and Ray asked if he wanted an autograph, and my dad said not for him, but, "My son is a great Bears fan."

And then dad handed me what Ray wrote.

"To Andy – "A great Bears fan. The Chicago Bears suck! Best wishes always. And bless. Ray Nitschke HOF 1978"

It didn't make me like Ray, but I sure as hell respected the sarcasm behind the autograph.

Besides, I'm the same guy who embarrassed my friend Neil when we went to Comiskey so he could buy some of the seats they had torn out of old Comiskey and we saw Bill Melton. Bill came over, said hi to us. Neil, a Sox fan, asked Bill for his autograph. Bill signed. Then Bill asked me if I wanted one, and I just said, "No."

I advise all six people who go to "Meet Alex Cohen" do the same thing.