The Cubs offense is mostly appalling

Just when you think they hit rock bottom, they start drilling again

The Cubs offense is mostly appalling

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If the playoffs started today, your Chicago Cubs would not be in them. Ten losses in their last 13 games, eight losses in their last ten, and five in a row have sent them spiraling back to .500, just two games better than the sad, old, Cardinals.

There are many reasons for all of this, including a poorly constructed roster, a sadly overmatched bullpen, players slumping badly coming back from injury, too many guys on the roster who don’t belong in the big leagues and we could go on, but what’s the point?

Things can get better. It’s only May 28. Hell, look at the Giants (who just happen to be sitting in one of the wild card spots the Cubs vacated in haste). Just 11 games ago they were wallowing at 19-25, 10 games out of first in the NL West and had lost 10 of their last 15. Now, they are 28-27 and have won nine of those 11 games.

Then again, the Giants have scored the second most runs in the National League in May and they have a functioning bullpen, so maybe this doesn’t apply to the Cubs.

Craig Counsell got booed in his return to Milwaukee which, is very on brand for the insecure assholes who root for the Brewers. He’s the greatest two legged manager in franchise history (look it up sometime), and they booed him. Screw those people, the only other things they have to cling to are that their professional football team had one or another Hall of Fame quarterback starting for them for 30 years and won just two Super Bowls, and New Glarus Brewing won’t sell out of state. Otherwise they’re just a cold ass place that leads the globe in cattle flatulence, has more lakes (but worse branding) than Minnesota and the wind blows all of the good beach sand to Michigan. Go shove a Tommy Bartlett water skiing robot up your ass.

The Cubs are bad for so many ways right now and all of them fall right at the feet of Jedward Aloysius Hoyer the Fourth. Under the direction of his penurious boss Tommy he set out to build a team that could win 84 games and eek into the final playoff spot. And when that is your goal, any misevaluation or untimely injury means you will fall short and right on your dick. That’s why smart teams shoot for 94 wins. But that costs more money. And after you piss away too much on novelty mediocrities like Ian Happ and (let’s face it) Dansby Swanson, you need to stretch your budget to round out the roster with actual bullpen arms and quality depth bench players.

But when you won’t do that you end up with Mark Leiter Jr. pitching in the eighth inning of important games, and guys like Jose Cuas, Colten Brewer and the dear departed Dickie Lovelady pitching at all. You hand over actual starts to Nick Madrigal, Matt Mervis and Miles Mastrobuoni. You know what? Sort your list of players with last names starting with M so Christopher Morel is first and then just delete the rest. (Sorry Tyson Miller, you were a necessary sacrifice.)

It’s more fun to write and read about a team that’s playing well, but we don’t have one of those. So instead, let’s sort through the detritus and pick one appalling stat for each player.