Scouting reports on all 15 NL teams

It's baseball season preview week here at Pointless Exercise and we're kicking things off with some real, completely not made up, scouting reports on each team in the National League. Using my connections from my days at The Athletic, and possibly leading people to believe I was Andy McCullough, I got a bunch of big league scouts shitfaced and then got the real scoop on what they think of each of the teams.

Actually, now I'm worried that my antics may have inadvertently led to the cancellation of The Roundtable Podcast, hosted by McCullough, Grant Brisbee and Sam Miller. Well, hey. Omelets. Broken eggs. That kind of shit.

National League East

Philadelphia Phillies
Scout one: "I didn't hate that they let somebody else overpay Ranger Suarez. He's got average stuff and as he ages I expect him to get hit harder and harder. I was surprised that they gave that big extension to Jesus Luzardo, though. He's really good when he's healthy, but other than last year, he's never really been healthy. The Cubs killed a trade from the Marlins for him, and I'd worry about a guy whose medicals are so bad that even the Cubs' doctors can see it."

Scout two: "I'd play Schwarber in left. Not because he'd be good out there, but because I enjoy having a good laugh at the ballpark. I really thought they would let JT Realmuto walk because he sucks now, but they gave him a three year extension? The only good part of that contract is that he has a $2 million bonus each year if he finished in the top ten for MVP voting. They might as well have made that $20 million, because there's zero chance they'll ever have to pay it."

Scout three: "My cousin works at a car wash, and he told me that Cristopher Sanchez brought his car in and when they were detailing it they found a half-full jar of Duke's mayonnaise in the trunk."