Scouting reports on all 15 AL teams

Real baseball starts on Wednesday, so we're previewing the upcoming season and today you will hear from some real honest to goodness baseball scouts, who just happened to be two-thirds of the way through a bottle of Jim Beam the night I asked for their thoughts on every team in baseball.

Yesterday we covered the National League. Today, it's the 'Merican.

American League East

Toronto Blue Jays

Scout one: "They lost an epic World Series, but I don't think that really phases teams, I mean look how many Cleveland has won after losing to the Marlins and Cubs in seven excruciating games? I've always said that Vlad Junior runs well for a fat guy. You know who doesn't run well? Alejandro Kirk. He can't even blame it on the toll catching takes on your knees because he can catch standing up. I like Davis Schneider. He's a 40 hitter, a 30 runner and has an 80 mustache. Ernie Clement was one of Mark DeRosa's favorite players on Team USA. That should tell you how much he sucks. Shane Bieber had a player option last year and everybody was surprised when he picked it up instead of going free agent. Right up until he showed up for spring training with an arm so sore he still hasn't thrown a pitch this spring."

Scout two: "Trey Yesavage was amazing for them last year. He pitched at every level from class-A to the big leagues and was great in the playoffs. Usually when you push a guy that young that hard he gets hurt. And wouldn't you know it, he's got a fucked up shoulder now. What a shock. Daulton Varsho is named after one of his dad, Gary's favorite teammates--you guessed it, Heathcliff Slocumb. Varsho was a catcher for a long time in the minors and now he's a really good centerfielder right up until you need him to throw the ball, which is also why he's not a catcher. I know Isiah Kiner-Falefa is gone, but every time I see this team play this year I'm going to picture him standing on third base as the winning run in the World Series with his thumb straight up his ass."

Scout three: "You know who was the shit? Damaso Garcia and Alfredo Griffin. They were the shit."

New York Yankees

Scout one: "Aaron Boone can tell you he manages the team, and he can get somebody at The Athletic to write a long story about how Aaron makes out the lineup every day, but if you watch them play you know the only thing he's asked to do is scream at the umps about every pitch. It made sense to bring Cody Bellinger back, he's very good all around and hits well in that park. But I would have only given him one year so I could bring in a true star like Ian Happ next year. I like Ryan Weathers who they got in a trade from the Marlins. He was really good last year in two starts against the Cubs. Problem is he was terrible against everybody else. I like the other Ryan they have, Yarborough. I was a huge fan of his dade Cale, the NASCAR driver. That's not his dad? Well, he should be."

Scout two: "They're going to close with David Bednar, but Camilo Doval has better stuff. Doval's biggest problem with the Giants was that he was so slow jogging in from the bullpen that he kept getting pitch clock violations before he threw a pitch. I'm not even making that up. Ben Rice should hit a lot of homers for them. He hit 26 in just 467 at bats last year. But he also struck out 441 times. Giancarlo Stanton can't move so they have to use him at DH and his contract still has two more guaranteed years left on it. They can buy him out after next season for $10 million. Fun. Aaron Judge is large."

Scout three: Last year Suzyn Waldman's dentist called into WFAN and broke the news that Dave Sims was going to replace John Sterling on Yankees radio when John retired. That's all I got."

Boston Red Sox

Scout one: "A year ago they had Rafael Devers and Alex Bregman, and this year both of them are gone and Chad Durbin is their third baseman. I'm sure that'll work out great for them. Kutter Crawford's best pitch is a four seam fastball. They should make that fucker change his name. They got Andrew Monasterio in the trade for Durbin. That dude is really terrible. I like Willson Contreras but he's going to be one slump in Boston away from beating a fan to death with a chair. And no one would blame him. They keep trying to trade Jarren Duran and that always confuses the media. But if he's so good, how come nobody will actually take the Red Sox up on their offers?"

Scout two: "They keep trying to find a place for Marcelo Mayer to play. I have a place for him. Pawtucket. Garrett Crochet is really good. He's the kind of guy you could build a team around. Did anybody ever tell that to Chris Getz? I'm shocked at how good Aroldis Chapman is still. I'm really surprised that his offseason regimen of shooting up his own garage doesn't catch on. But you know what? Maybe that's what they do at Driveline. I have no idea."

Scout three: "Remember that time Tristan Casas was mic'd up on Sunday Night Baseball and told the charming story about how during a little league game his dad got so mad at him and started screaming so loud that other parents called the cops and he got arrested?"

Baltimore Orioles

Scout one: "I don't think most of his teammates knew that Andrew Kittredge left last year to play for the Cubs. They probably thought he was just sleeping under the bench in the bullpen all this time. I'm not sure what happened to Adley Rutschman, but I do know the Orioles are reluctant to trade him because they are afraid it's something they did and a good team would just undo. Pete Alonso was a good signing for them. They needed a big bat and he's that. They might not be so enamored with him when he turns into Chris Davis in 2029, though. Jackson Holliday missed all spring with a hand injury. He won't be ready for Opening Day, but that's fine. They have the great Blasé Anderson to fill in. Wait, I'm being told that's pronounced Blaze. Whatever."

Scout two: "Trevor Rogers was really good for them last year. From June 23 to September 19 he made 15 starts, won 12, never allowed more than two runs and gave up just three homers in 98 innings. He might be pretty good. They traded four prospects and a comp pick to the Rays for Shane Baz. Baz could be really good. But why are teams still trading with the Rays? It's a good way to get fucked. Baz is still only 27 but he's been around long enough to have been in a truly terrible trade for the Pirates. They sent him, Tyler Glasnow and Austin Meadows to Tampa for Chris Archer in 2018 to help them in the pennant race, and finished fourth in the NL Central. They signed Ryan Helsley to close. The Mets traded for him at the deadline and he gave up 20 runs for them in 20 innings. That's not ideal."

Scout three: "Remember when Albert Belle signed with them for five years, was awesome for one season, fucked up his hip and retired with three years left on his contract?"

Tampa Bay Rays

Scout one: "I trust this front office a lot, but they currently have Steven Matz listed as their third starter. This has to be a prank, right? They are back in their shitty dome this year. I hope nobody told Junior Caminero. He hit .313/.358/.595 with 22 homers in the Yankees' minor league park that they had to use last year. Junior hit only .218/.266/.477 on the road. Of course he still hit 23 homers and drove in more runs (56) than he did at home. So he's probably fine. Their projected outfield on opening day is Chandler Simpson, Cedric Mullins and Jake Fraley. I'm going to go lie down and try to not think about that. Their backup catcher is named Hunter Feduccia. He looks like a guy walking into a condo with a six pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade that Chris Hansen is about to confront. I don't think Caminero will be that affected by leaving their little park, but Yandy Diaz will. He's a nice player who crushes the ball, but too often on the ground. He somehow hit 25 homers last year. You can cut that in half this season."

Scout two: Did you know Griffin Jax graduated from the Air Force Academy? If you don't know that then you didn't watch a single Team USA game in the World Baseball Classic, because Joe Davis never shut up about it. Kevin Cash does a great job with this team. It's crazy that he took over in 2015 when Joe Maddon left and he's still there. He will win his 1,000th game if they go 104-58. OK, so he's not going to win his 1,000th game this year. They keep not giving the shortstop job to Carson Williams, but this spring they sent him to minor league camp and Taylor Walls got hurt the same day. So now they're stuck with him. To be fair, he was pretty awful in AAA last year. After tearing through the minors he was overmatched at 22 and struck out 154 times in just 111 games for the Durham Bulls. But he hit the bull with a homer and won a steak twice. Probably."

Scout three: "Hey, how come they never play Wander Franco anymore? That dude was awesome!"

AL Central

Detroit Tigers

Scout one: "A full season of Tarik Skubal and Framber Valdez should be pretty fun. But next year Skubal will be gone and Framber will be a short, chubby 34 year old who doesn't throw hard and has $77 millon left on his contract. That should be less than fun for them. I love that they brought Justin Verlander back. I mean, I assume Kate Upton is coming with, right? I am a big fan of Jack Flaherty, but it'd be cool if his ERA was closer to three than five most years. Am I alone in thinking that Dillon Dingler's name is creepy? I really thought they'd start the season with Kevin McGonigle at short. I can't blame them for sticking with Javy Baez to start the season. I do wonder if Javy can top the number of times he walked in the second half last season. When he did it once in 148 at bats. You have to admire Javy's consistency. In four seasons with the Tigers he's walked 72 times. In eight seasons with the Cubs he walked 143 times."

Scout two: "Wenceel Perez will be their right fielder. Wenceel? You have to wonder what his parents were trying to spell, don't you? If Colt Keith can't beat out Zach McKinstry and Matt Vierling to play third base, what are we even doing here? I guess he'd be playing second but Gleyber Torres accepted the qualifying offer, which the Tigers acted like they were happy about. They haven't had contract talks with Skubal. He's only the best pitcher in the sport and he'll be a free agent in six months. What's the rush? They signed Kenley Jansen, but Will Vest might still be their closer. What was the point of that?"

Scout three: "Detroit gets a bad rap. For my money it's the best city in the country to buy copper pipe out of the back of a car in a parking lot."

Cleveland Guardians

Scout one: "I like this team, especially now that they finally have some prospects that can hit. Chase DeLauter could be good if he could ever go more than 12 games without blowing out a knee. And I really like the Bananas kid. What's that? Bazzana? Really? That's his name? Oh, I thought he was the guy who pitches on stilts. Steven Kwan's a good player. I know they are tempted to trade him because they need to find more pop in left field, but the truth is that all they'd do is trade him and not replace him. I think Jose Ramirez is the best player in the American League. The last two seasons he's hit 73 homers and stolen 85 bases. That's nuts. For his career he's 287 for 349 on steals, That's an 82 percent success rate. They signed Rhys Hoskins to give them some offense at first base. Apparently they haven't seen Rhys play for a decade."

Scout two: "Bo Naylor was listed at 6'2 last year, but they did the ABS measurements this year and he's now listed at 5'9. Holy crap. And you thought his brother stealing 30 bases last year was the most surprising feat in the family. They were lucky to have Cade Smith to turn to when the whole Emmanuel Clase gambling thing went down. Stupid remains unbeaten. I wonder if this is the year their magical ability to find starting pitching finally gives out. You wouldn't think a rotation that has Tanner Bibee, Slade Cecconi, Joey Cantillo and Parker Messick behind Gavin Williams would work, but it probably will."

Scout three: "You guys ever see this?"

Kansas City Royals

Scout one: "Their marketing slogan for the year is "Fountains Up." What the fuck does that even mean? I mean, I know they have a fountain in center. For years when the wind blew it was the only time half those fans ever showered. I like that they watched Michael Wacha pitch well beyond his peripherals last year and they were like, "Yeah, he can probably do that again." I do like Cole Ragans and it cracks me up that they got him for two months of Aroldis Chapman three years ago. Just so you're not embarrassed like I was, I need to tell you that Kris Bubic does not pronounce his last name "boob itch." But he should. They have a starter prospect named Luinder Avila and this might surprise you, he's not my top rated Luinder. If Carlos Estevez is your closer, you need a new closer. Why do teams think Jonathan India is worth a shit? I liked Maikel Garcia before it was cool."

Scout two: "Just so you're not embarrassed like I was, I need to tell you that even though they are both named Carlos Estevez, the one who pitches for the Royals is not Charlie Sheen. I was not a fan of Isaac Collins when he was a Brewer, and apparently neither were the Brewers because he's a Royal now. I like Kyle Isbel and I'm not ashamed to say that I like his solo stuff better than the Drive By Truckers. Why, if it's pronounced Cag-lee-own, is it spelled Caglianone? What's with the extra n? Is it for "I no hit for power in the big leagues?" Bobby Witt Jr. is the best player in the American League, never mind what the other guy said about Jose Ramirez. Vinny Pasquantino would have made a nice successor to Anthony Rizzo for the Cubs. Still could."

Scout three: "They might actually be pretty good this year. Oh, and I have a buddy who works at a car wash and he said Kris Bubic's wife does pronounce it "Boob itch."

Minnesota Twins

Scout one: "At the deadline last year they traded away a bunch of guys because they were going to sell the team, but then they didn't sell the team and now they're just kind of lousy. For the three games a year that Byron Buxton, Carlos Correa and Royce Lewis were healthy at the same time every season they were good. Now Correa's gone, so it's probably more like ten games a year that Buxton and Lewis will be playing together. Have fun with that. Austin Martin's going to get a long look in left field this year. Is he any good? All I know is that Aston Martin's F1 car is so terribly designed that it shakes so hard when they drive it that it literally breaks the battery. What does this have to do with Austin Martin? For his sake, nothing, I hope. I'll be honest with you. I cannot tell the difference between Matt Wallner and Trevor Larnach."

Scout two: "Remember Taj Bradley? He's a Twin! And somehow he's only 25. It's a sick joke that they have Taylor Rogers but not Tyler Rogers. It should be mandatory that the Twins always have a set of actual twins on their roster. Is this too much to ask? I wish teams would stop trying to make Kody Clemens a thing. Did you know that Kody has a brother named Koby? Good lord, how many letters does Roger even know? I think Brooks Lee could be good, but I have very little evidence to support it."

Scout three: "There have been 11 sets of twins who have played Major League Baseball. Taylor Rogers is the first twin whose brother was actively playing in the big leagues to play for the Twins. It's like they're not even trying."

Chicago White Sox

Scout one: "I know Chris Getz got a lot of shit for thinking that Luisangel Acuna was a switch hitter. I don't think it's fair. I think he should get shit for thinking Luisangel Acuna can actually play baseball. They tore down to the studs with this rebuild and I honestly think the only reason they are perceived to be making progress is because two years ago they were literally the worst team in history. There are not enough good players in this system yet to even pretend this shit is starting to work. On the 20-80 scale, Chase Meidroth's face is 80 punchable."

Scout two: "I think it's cute that they think Colson Montgomery can play shortstop. I also think it's terrifying that they think a guy who struck out 83 times in 71 games can hit. More than a third of his hits last year (21 of 61) were homers. That's completely sustainable. That's why Shohei hits 200 homers a season. Everything you need to know about Andrew Benintendi is that he played in the playoffs the first three seasons in the big leagues, including winning a World Series, and he's perfectly content to get paid to slug .391 for the worst team in the world now. I have a theory about why they have such a terrible TV broadcast. It's their attempt to force fans to come to the park to avoid it."

Scout three: "I like that they brought Reece McGuire back. They were getting really thin at catcher who wakes up in the parking lot covered in his own jizz."

AL West

Seattke Mariners

Scout one: "They were so close to winning the pennant last year, and the team that barely beat them was so close to winning the World Series. So you know what that makes the Mariners? Nothing. They had a good offseason. I was surprised they ponied up to keep Josh Naylor and they got him at a good price. I liked the Brendan Donovan trade because you can never have too much fur on your infield. They let Jorge Polanco go, which is fine because every other year he's terrible, and this is one of those years. Their pitching is still great, but they have to get them all healthy at the same time. Some days I think George Kirby is their best pitcher, some days I think Bryan Woo is, some days I wake up covered in sweat with a picture of Adele stuffed into my jockeys. How much of that was out loud? I worry about Andres Munoz's control and how his huge extra playoffs workload might impact that. I admire that Cal Raleigh built up so much goodwill last season and then pissed it all away in two weeks during the WBC."

Scout two: "Some teams wouldn't be comfortable trotting out a lineup with Luke Raley in right and Rob Refsnyder at DH, but one of those teams apparently isn't the Mariners. Dan Wilson is their manager, right? I can never remember if they fired Scott Servais to hire Dan Wilson or fired Dan Wilson to hire Scott Servais. I'm not sure it matters. Is Emerson Hancock Herbie's kid? No? They could use a full season out of Logan Gilbert. Not unlike how Little House on the Prairie was better with full seasons of Melissa Gilbert. Hey, who's she married to? Oh no. She should have stayed with Bruce Boxleitner."

Scout three: "I heard the reason the Mariners stadium has a roof is because it rains there."

Texas Rangers

Scout one: "I'm looking for a big bounce back season from Evan Carter, and not just because I sunk my life savings into 800 of his rookie cards after the Rangers won that World Series. I think it was time to move on from Adolis Garcia in right. I'm not sure it's ever the right time to move into Brandon Nimmo, though. They had to trade for Nimmo because the Mets would take Marcus Semien and apparently Corey Seager and Semien came to hate each other. I think they should have leaned into that. It would be fun to have your shortstop and second baseman punching each other on the field. Jacob deGrom was purposely trying to throw less hard this spring. He's got to save his arm, because his Hall of Fame career keeps getting derailed. I would think that if he stops trying to throw 101 and starts throwing 98 he could probably pitch an extra nine or ten innings this year."

Scout two: "They made a bold move to trade for MacKenzie Gore. He's a talented kid, and they gave up a lot. But hey, when you get a chance to deal for a guy who had a 6.75 ERA in 11 second half starts last year, you do it. Every time. Andrew McCutchen made the team. He's a great guy. He was an even greater guy back when he could still play. Joc Pedersen's still around? I thought he's already annoyed every team in the league. I have big hopes for Jack Leiter. I'd have bigger ones if teams didn't slug .588 off of his sinker. Jalen Beeks is in their bullpen? Is he Clarence's kid?"

Scout three: "How do I think the Texas Rangers are going to do this year? How can they possibly pull it together without Walker?"

Houston Astros

Scout one: "With Kyle Tucker in LA now, I guess they won the trade with the Cubs. Well, at least until Hayden Wesneski pitches again. I hear they call that guy Wesnasty. Man, there are some real fucking morons out there. They replaced Framber Valdez with Tatsuya Imai. Bold choice. Framber's better, but Tatsuya has never tried to murder his own catcher. That I know of. Cam Smith had a wild season. He made the big leagues for some reason out of spring training. He got off to a solid start and then he was terrible. What happened to him? Well, at some point every former Cubs prospect starts to remember their Cubs training. Christian Walker was terrible last year. Good news, Astros fans, you'll get to watch him be terrible for two more seasons. With Carlos Correa playing third, the Astros have to either play Isaac Paredes over Walker at first or play Yordan Alvarez in left to have Paredes DH. That's not great, considering Paredes is somehow shorter than Jose Altuve (who is now listed at 5'6) and Yordan is a 28 year old player with 68 year old knees. But the good news is that Correa will be hurt by game three, so this will sort itself out."

Scout two: "Cam Smith looked good this spring, which is nice, but he looked incredible last spring, so who knows? Josh Hader showed up to spring training hurt, so the Astros need a closer. Maybe they could bring back Ryan Pressly or Hector Neris? Actually, Dave Smith's arm is about as lively these days as Pressly's or Neris'. What? Yes, I know Dave Smith's dead. That was the joke. The Astros were going to replace Hader with Bennett Sousa who did a nice job for them last year, but he just pulled an oblique. Now they'll likely turn to Bryan Abreu. He got seven saves filling in for Hader last year, so put that in your hat and smoke it."

Scout three: "Hunter Brown's good."

West Sacramento A's

Scout one: "They might not be that fucking bad. Nick Kurtz is a stud, Brent Rooker put together back to back good years, Tyler Soderstrom looks like he can hit and Jacob Wilson would have won rookie of the year except Kurtz slugged .619 in 117 games. Shea Langeliers his 31 homers. I know their offense is enhanced by playing in that minor league stadium, but if they ever actually build that dome in Las Vegas that's going to be a launching pad, too. Their pitching needs to catch up to their offense and they traded Mason Miller so that they could get top prospect Leo De Vries. They will wait a year and trade De Vries for a zygote to be named later."

Scout two: "Lawrence Butler couldn't duplicate his strong finish to 2024 but he's a fun player, and Denzel Clarke is good for one "holy shit" catch per homestand. This team is fun in a way that makes you feel really bad for their real fans in Oakland who put up with so much shit, and then the team leaves and finally starts offering contract extensions to their young players. John Fisher's a horrible asshole."

Scout three: "Hell is Sacramento in the summer."

Los Angels Angels

Scout one: "They don't have a clue. They have a terrible roster. Mike Trout is crumbling before our very eyes. They hired a manager to a one-year deal. They have Zach Neto and not much else. At least Jo Adell hits homers now. But there are so many washed up dudes on this roster. How can one team have Yoan Moncada and Jeimer Candelario and Jorge Soler and Adam Frazier and Alek Manoah? It's like a petting zoo for guys who were good eight years ago. And then you wonder why a guy like Drew Pomeranz who had a nice comeback season last year signs with them? Well, he did it for the money. But why did they sign him? He's 37! If your plan is to trade him to a contender you'd better do it quick before his arm falls off...again. Kirby Yates is there trying to resurrect his career. Remember last year when he signed a one year deal with the Dodgers and people acted like that was the final straw and that the Dodgers were officially signing all the stars? He had a 5.23 ERA in 50 games."

Scout two: "Three years ago they finished a seven year run of having Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani on the same team and they won literally nothing. They made the playoffs once during that stretch and Shohei was hurt. They are so bad and have such little player or prospect capital it's kind of incredible. They're the sea level Rockies."

Scout three: "The Rally Monkey shot himself."