Once again, the Cubs are giving out free crap

The giveaway schedule is out and some of it doesn't suck

Once again, the Cubs are giving out free crap

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The Cubs are giving away stuff again this year, just not any big contracts. Right, Jed?

Wink, Wink. Nudge. Nudge.

But at least if you pick a game to go to with a good giveaway you won’t leave completely dissatisfied with another 5-1 loss.

Let’s look at some of what you might get.

Home opener, April 1, v. Rockies

In honor of the Rockies’ highest paid player the Cubs will give every fan in attendance some of Kris Bryant’s old MRI results printouts. I’m really hoping for the ones on his shoulder when he tripped over the first base bag in Cincinnati in 2018 and the Cubs said he was fine. They even started him the next day and he struck out three times and then missed the next 17 games, came back, played in pain for ten games and then went back on the IL for 36 more.

Actually, they’re doing the traditional opening day giveaway, the magnet schedule. And who doesn’t like a good magnet schedule? I know I do. I’ll use it to hang the Bryant MRI results to my refrigerator.

April 6, v. Dodgers

I have to give the Cubs promo staff kudos for this. It’s a truly inspired and great giveaway. It’s a Cubs-colored replica of the awful sweater that Pat Hughes wore for the 1996 opener that he keeps in the booth for any unexpected cool weather that might roll in.

This is a great idea, well executed. Whoever thought of this should be put in charge of signing free agents, immediately.

There’s a fleece blanket on April 20 against the Marlins which means it’ll be 87 degrees that day and then on May 31 a series of Friday tank top giveaways begins which means it’ll be 17 degrees that day.

The tank tops are all themed to look something like one of the Cubs old uniform styles. Here’s the one from that May 31 giveaway, based on the 1911 road jersey.

It’s fine. They also have them from 1929 (June 14), 1937 (June 21), 1978 (the overrated baby blue pinstripes on July 18) and then both home and road 1984 versions (August 2 for the home pinstripes and August 16 for the road blues.)

It’s hard to tell from the drawings, but they all look pretty good. I still think the Cubs current road jerseys are in dire need of an overhaul and basing them somewhat on the ‘37 roadies would be a good idea.

Hell, have the guys play in the tank tops. Carl Edwards Jr. might be back. I think if he was and they hung these in the lockers he’d go all Chris Sale on them before the first game.

There are five “Kids Sundays Clark the Cubs Plushies” and I don’t want to know what that means. The Cubs are already toeing the pedo line pretty hard with Clark as it is, what with him not wearing pants, calling his fan club Clark Screw and letting him drive around town in a windowless van. Do I want to know what a plushie is?

Don’t believe the van thing? Behold.

Clark’s Cruiser? Who thought this was a good idea?

Anyway, these are the plushies. Feel free to avoid Sunday home games this season.

Saturday, June 1 v. Cincinnati

Nobody can resist a good bobblehead and the Cubs have two good ones this year (out of four attempts).

They have a Christopher Morel one of him celebrating his walk off against the Sox last year when he took his jersey off for some reason as he started to round third.

So, fittingly, you can take the jersey off his bobblehead. Well done, Cubs.

Saturday, June 22 v. Mets

And then another of our favorite Cubs, Adbert Alzolay gets the bobble treatment with one doing his signature fist pump save celebration, like the time he did it in St. Louis when this happened.

The only negative about this bobble is that it looks nothing like Adbert.

But that’s not uncommon. I have a Billy Williams bobble that looks like Ricky Gutierrez.

Hey, would you like to see that Tauchman homer robbery with Chip Caray’s Cardinals broadcast call? Of course you would.

The surprising thing here is that Chip didn’t just call it a homer and get halfway through the final game totals before he figured out it was caught and the Cardinals had lost.

OK, now for the two not so great bobbleheads.

Saturday, July 6 v. Los Angeles Angels

It’s cool that Justin Steele is getting a bobble, but what the fuck is this?

Why is he draped in an American flag and wearing cowboy boots with his uniform? Is he dressed up to “tour the Capitol” next January?

I mean, I guess he posted something like this last Fourth of July, but the American flag isn’t clothing, and it’s not a towel. Rick Monday didn’t steal one away from some dirty hippies so you could pretend it’s a shawl.

But as bad as Steele’s is, nothing compares to the level of dumb on the Ian Happ bobble.

Thursday, August 1 v. St. Louis

Sigh.

Neat. Nothing like handing out choking hazards. Then again, what better homage to a member of the 2023 Cubs?

The least interesting man in baseball gets the dumbest possible bobble. If you want to make one of him sliding under and missing a routine fly ball, I’d be all over that one.

There are also the regular hat giveaways on special ticket nights like for universities and Jackie Robinson Day.

There’s a special patch for Boy Scout and Girl Scout day. All the players will wear merit badges that night to celebrate the incredible accomplishment of having the fifth best record in the National League in both 2022 and 2023. And there’s a nice rainbow replica jersey for Pride Night, July 17 v.the Giants.1

They are planning special celebrations for Ryne Sandberg Day (July 23) and three days of stuff for the Utility Tunnel of Fame inductions (one of the days is probably a slightly used mop giveaway.) And, Sunday, August 18 is Harry Potter Day. Those plans are still secret, but I’ll guess they’ll just have the fans all repeat the words to a spell that will remove all hope of making the playoffs.

But at least you’ll have your free crap.

That you paid the second highest ticket prices in the sport for.


  1. You know Todd just thinks it’s hilarious they’re playing San Francisco that night.