Football is nigh

Ready or not, the NFL returns tonight, which means it's time to do a completely half-assed football season preview!

There is no more ridiculous way to preview a season than to nonsensically take every team's over-under and predict whether they will go over, or under.

So let's do it!

National Football Conference

North
Chicago Bears 8.5 - Let's get right to it. How will the fighting Ben Johnsons fare in his first season at the helm? The Bears did the thing that we all begged them to do. They paired the hot-shot, talented young quarterback with the brightest offensive mind, and as you'd expect, Bears fans and the dopes who cover the team are more than ready to be patient, deal with the growing pains and watch as Caleb Williams slowly blossoms as the season goes on. Right? Of course not. Those idiots are already bitching about one pass play in the fucking preseason.

The Bears have a much improved offensive line (it'd be hard to be worse), a bevy of offensive weapons including a really good tight end (and Cole Kmet), and a defensive coordinator much more equipped to let his guys attack than the stuttering beekeeper who coached the team for most of last season. What they don't have is a starting running back with any idea where the hole is, or a backup running back who can ride the big boy rides at the amusement park.

Last year, the Bears got off to a 4-2 start before a mind-numbing 10 game losing streak made us all question our will to live. But then they beat the Packers in Green Bay, and then they hired Johnson, and suddenly it didn't seem so hopeless.

I could be a homer and just go over here, because while 9-8 probably won't get you into the playoffs it would mean they're playing somewhat important games late in the season for once. The reality is, I really don't give a shit what their record will be this year. I just want them to not humiliate themselves (and by association, us) as much as they normally do, and I want to feel like they got better as the season went along. Is that too much to ask?

Take the under so if they disappoint again you make a little money, and if they go over, you won't care that you lost some.

Green Bay Packers 9.5 - In 2018, Ryan Pace made a bold move and traded two number one picks to the Raiders for disgruntled edge rusher Khalil Mack. And it didn't work. But it didn't not work because of Mack. He was great. The reason it didn't work was that Pace thought he was putting the finishing touches on a team capable of going to a Super Bowl. The problem was that he had gotten the quarterback (and, the head coach) completely wrong. So Mack did his thing, and did it well for four seasons, and the Bears didn't win shit. Last week, the Packers traded two number ones and Kenny Clark (a guy the Bears have never successfully blocked) to the Cowboys for disgruntled edge rusher Micah Parsons, and they are being basked in universal praise. Well, tough shit. It's not going to work. It's not going to to work because Jordan Love sucks in way too many games every year. He has some great ones where everybody thinks he's the next in their incomprehensible line of Hall of Fame quarterbacks (Favre, Rodgers, Majkowski, Dickey) but then he'll play three games in a row where he looks like he doesn't know if the ball is inflated or stuffed. Oh, and Parsons showed up for his Packers physical and he's got two fucked up vertebrae, might not play week one and is going to need an epidural to do as much as touch his shins. Fuck the Packers. Under.

Detroit Lions 10.5 - Last year was the Lions' chance to finally get to and win a Super Bowl. They had a loaded roster, both of their hot shot coordinators turned down head coaching offers to stick around for one more year, and they won 15 games...and crapped out in the first round of the playoffs. They lost because their team, especially on defense was ravaged by injuries, and in the playoff loss to the Washington Commodes they were playing guys in the secondary who had signed THAT WEEK! It'd be a sad thing if they weren't in Detroit. Their Super Bowl window probably slammed shut, but they should still be good. Take the over.

Minnesota Vikings 8.5 - They have a really good roster and they proved last year that they just need a guy to play QB who can make the obvious throws, and then melt down completely over the final three weeks of the season. This year they are handing the job over to JJ McCarthy, the guy they drafted in the first round last year who blew out his knee in the training camp and didn't play. He was a "winner" at Michigan, which means he's not that good. When they look back at JJ's career, the year he spent in a knee brace on the sidelines will be what they refer to as, "the good old days." Still, 8.5? Take the over. They'll win nine games and miss the playoffs.

East
Washington Commodes 9.5