D-Lee and I pick our favorite all-time Cubs

MLB Network has been killing time this offseason on their morning show by having Matt Vasgersian and Harold Reynolds pick their "favorite" guys at every position on each team. These tend to go off the rails because Harold is a very dumb person, but sometimes his logic is so wrong that it's at least amusing.

Last week they got around to the Cubs, and they brought in one of our all-time favorite guys, Derrek Lee to help out.

Remember these teams are their "favorite" players, not necessarily the best. So really, just how much issue can you take with somebody's "favorite" players?

Well, it turns out when it comes to D-Lee's favorite Cubs, you can take a lot of issue.

Before we get to Derrek's, I'm sure you are just dying to know who my favorite Cubs of all-time are. OK, you know what? Never mind. I'm going to do it anyway.

The rules of the game are one player at every position including DH. Your DH does not have to have been a DH in real life if he played before the rule existed in his league, and you pick four starting pitchers and two relievers. At the beginning, Harold and Matt were picking a lefty and righty reliever, but they seem to have decided that was a pain in the ass so they don't necessarily do it that way. (They let Derrek pick four relievers. I'm just sticking with two.)

OK, so here's mine.

First base - Derrek Lee - I was going to say Bill Buckner since he was my first favorite Cub, but he was only the Cubs' first baseman in three full seasons of my fandom, so it came down to the guys who did it far longer. Mark Grace was a great player, fun to watch hit and while he played at a time where lots of guys were taking performance enhancing drugs not only did Mark not partake in that, he went the other way and smoked three packs of Winstons a day. What's not to like? Anthony Rizzo is I'm sure at the top of a lot of your lists, and he should be. What a dude that guy is. But for me, it's Derrek. He was good when the Cubs got him, but he just went to another level with them, and he could do everything. Plus, he's just like the best guy, ever.

Second base - Heinie Zimmerman! - How can you not love a guy named Heinie? And, he won TWO World Series in his first two seasons before moving to third base to get a full-time gig before moving back to second base. No. I'm not really picking Heinie, although, what a great name. The only real answer here has to be Ryne Sandberg. He's one of the very best to ever play the position. But he's not my favorite. Mine is Javy Baez. Javy was a stud at shortstop and at third base, but the reality is that he was at his best for the Cubs at second base. He won the 2016 NLCS MVP at second base, and shut down the Dodgers with a slew of great defensive plays. He won the World Series at second base. He made two errors there in game seven. Never mind that. Javy's everybody's favorite at something.

Shortstop - For my All-Century Cubs team I picked Javy at second and short, but I don't need to do that here because this is where Shawon Dunston goes. I met Shawon in 1983 in Beloit, Wisconsin and he became my favorite all-time player and it's never changed. Your favorite doesn't have to be the best, he just has to be fun and cool, and Shawon was always both of those things

Third base - This is a tough one because both E-ramis Ramirez and Kris Bryant have incredibly good cases here. Great players, clutch players, fun players to watch. E-ramis could really hit. KB could do everything. And that's why the only sensible way to choose it to go with Luis Valbuena. My love for Luis started as a joke, but then...he actually turned out to be good, and he was super fun. How many players bat flip walks, or singles? Luis did. How many players appealed their own check swings to third base? Luis did.

Left field - For all of the great players the Cubs have had in my lifetime, they have had a hard time filling left field for more than a couple years at a time. Billy Williams was the best, but he never played a game for the Cubs after I was born. So it comes down to fun, but flawed guys, like Gary Matthews, Moises Alou, a fun but injury shortened season of Rondell White, Dwight Smith, Alfonso Soriano, Kyle Schwarber and then...never mind. You could get away with Ben Zobrist since he got the biggest hit in Cubs' history while playing left field. And you could go with Schwarber for the five homers in the 2015 playoffs alone (although he hit the first one while playing right field in Pissburgh.) Soriano had his moments, but his best and most fun years were in New York. So, spoiled for choice, I'll go with the guy I inexplicably liked during my little league days. The opening day left fielder in both 1986 and 1987, Brian Dayett. I wore 24 those years because he did. I also left my little league in 1988 to go play in Japan. "Screw this, I got a better offer."

Center field - How can you not pick Bob Dernier, or Dexter Fowler, right? Well, because in a rare moment of baseball kismet, Jed Hoyer managed to somehow trade our favorite Cub at the time, Javy Baez, for our favorite Cub of the present, Petecrow Armstrong. Will he turn into the superstar he was in the first half last year, or will he merely be the best defender we've ever seen with a shitload of speed and impressive power while striking out three times a night? Either is fun. The first would be more fun. But it also doesn't hurt that Petecrow is the coolest guy. That counts a lot on this list.

Right field/DH - I'm going to cheat because the Cubs have two guys here that deserve it, and I could have put one in center but Pete made that impossible. So Andre Dawson gets to play right, and Sammy Sosa is going to DH. Andre really only had two mostly healthy seasons with the Cubs, but he was so fucking tough that he was still good in far more seasons than that. Other than Ichiro, I've never seen anybody throw the ball in right field like the Hawk could. He's a Hall of Famer, but if he had played his entire career at Wrigley he'd have been even more ridiculous. As for Sammy, I mean, this isn't hard. Nothing is more fun than watching a guy just destroy a baseball. Well, other than maybe destroying a baseball and visibly enjoying the act. Videos don't do Sammy justice. You had to be there. He didn't hit baseballs, he changed their chemical structure.

Catcher - Jody Davis is headed for the Utility Tunnel of Fame, Willson Contreras was fun (and a little exhausting at times), Scott Servais once threw out a runner with a dislocated right shoulder, and Gabor Bako was the fucking worst. But for me, this comes down to two guys. I really think that if Damon Berryhill hadn't fucked up his shoulder he'd have been a perennial All-Star. A switch hitter with decent pop and a good defensive catcher? Sign me up. But he did get hurt and his career was sidetracked early on. But that just clears the field for Hank White. Henry Blanco came to the Cubs in 2005 with a career batting average of .216 which at the time was the lowest in baseball for any active player with 1,000 or more career at bats. In his four years with the Cubs, Hank hit .255. Talk about clutch.

Starting pitchers - Greg Maddux is my favorite pitcher ever. I honestly think he'd be my favorite pitcher if he'd never pitched for the Cubs. But he did pitch for them. Twice. And he was a completely different guy both times and he was still really good. Nothing annoys me more than when people talk about Greggie and say, "He did all that without great stuff." That's such horse shit. Stuff isn't just throwing the ball 102 miles per hour. Nobody accuses Nate Pearson of having "stuff." Every pitch Greg threw moved, and he could make every pitch he threw move exactly where and how he wanted it to. That's stuff. That's why he was so good. And, he's the smartest motherfucker who's ever pitched. Kyle Hendricks gets lots of Maddux comparisons and I have no problem with it. Because it illustrates just how great Greg was. Kyle was really fucking good, and he was doing a very poor man's impression of Greggie.

I enjoy making fun of his ramblings during broadcasts, and maybe this is a case of you had to be there, but when Rick Sutcliffe showed up in 1984 it was like he looked around and said, "This losing shit is over." He'd been a good big league pitcher. He was Rookie of the Year with the Dodgers. He won an ERA title in Cleveland. But for the Cubs that year after they finally sorted out the trade that Dallas Green nearly fucked up, Rick made 20 starts and won 16 of them, lost just once, pitched a complete game in Pissburgh to send the Cubs back to the postseason for the first time in 39 years and hit a homer onto the street in the first postseason game at Wrigley since that 1945 World Series. He spotted the rest of the National League 63 games before he started pitching and still won the Cy Young. That made an impression on an 11 year old Cubs fan.

Similarly, Jon Lester was brought in to signal that the rebuild was over and it was time to win, and that's just what they did. He's one of the greatest postseason pitchers of all-time and I still get goosebumps thinking about him striking out the side to start game five and in game seven when that bullpen door swung open and he came out for his first relief appearance in nine years. It started shaky (thanks to David Ross), but then it was just Jon shoving it up the Indians' butts. He was the worst hitter in baseball history (o for his first 63) until he wasn't and then he was suddenly a pretty good hitter, he had a walk-off pinch bunt, he couldn't throw to the bases and he still picked Tommy Pham off. He's just the best. Plus, he's a very fun drunk.

And...how can you have a favorite Cubs' pitchers list without Carlos Zambrano? Kerry Wood had the 20 games, Mark Prior was The Franchise, but nobody was as consistently fun as Big Z. He was a great pitcher who somehow survived Dusty Baker's overuse, he was a switch hitter with power from both sides of the plate, he was 23 years old and he was carrying the 2004 Cubs down the stretch, he once threw an umpire out of a game, he threw a baseball from the mound into the bleachers, he got tossed from a game for circling his fingers and making "glasses" at an umpire, he punched Michael Barrett in the face, he hit Jim Edmonds on purpose after a Scott Rolen homer, he got sent home from a White Sox game for yelling at my favorite first baseman, he destroyed a Gatorade machine in the dugout. You never knew what you were going to get, but it was going to be something.

Relievers - There are a lot of fun Cubs' relievers. Rod Beck was only there two years but he was great in 1998 and so much fun. Randy Myers was great for the Cubs and nearly killed the "It's Gonna Happen" guy, John Murray on the field. My favorite Randy Myers Cubs' moment was when he blew a save on Randy Myers poster day and fans threw the posters on the field and he said, "If I'd had a poster, I'd have thrown it, too." He also kept a live grenade in his locker, just for fun. Turk Wendell was weird. Carlos Marmol was dominant for two years and frustrating for four more. Lee Smith scared the shit out of hitters by squinting because his eyesight was so bad. Mitch Williams looked like he was trying to win the game for both teams at the same time. But I think my two favorites are pretty easy. Pedro Strop is the best setup man in Cubs' history, and just the coolest guy. For a while we worried that he'd never get his shit together against the Cardinals, but then he did, and never looked back. And how could you not love Sweaty Joe Borowski? The 2003 Cubs were built with El Pulpo, Antonio Alfonseca as their closer and that shit was never going to work. So Joe figured what the hell? Thirty-three saves with fewer strikeouts (66) than innings pitched (68). He had more guts than talent and he made it work. And after blowing the save in game three of the 2003 NLCS in Miami, he pitched two more full innings of scoreless ball for the Cubs to get the lead back. Would he have been able to close out game six if the Cubs had gotten that lead to the ninth? Sweaty Joe would have figured it out.

OK, so that's my list of favorites.

Now let's see how D-Lee did.

Oh boy. There's so much wrong here.

Soto? Fine. He was a good player and a teammate of Derrek's. Whatever.
Ernie? I think it's weird to pick a guy you never saw play, but hey, Ernie's a legend so how mad can you get?
DeRosa? Fuck that. I like Mark DeRosa fine, but no.
Ryan Fucking Theriot? There are no right or wrong favorites, but this is wrong.
E-ramis. Yes. You can't think of Derrek without Aramis. What a pair.
Billy? Same as Ernie, and I'll allow it. Billy Williams is quite simply one of the world's coolest ever humans.
Kosuke? Ehhh...uh...I mean, I guess a million still in circulation FUKUDOME shirseys can't be wrong.
Jock? Jock Jones? Oh, hell no. Jock was objectively terrible. He was nobody's favorite.
Hawk. Yes. Of course.

OK, I mean, the only way the pitching will be worse is if he does something crazy like picks LaTroy.

Oh, goddamn it.

His four starters? No complaints. Fergie's an all-time great, and he even pitched while Derrek was alive. Greg's the best. Z's an easy choice. And I have no issue with Theodore Roosevelt Lilly. I also loved that dude. Remember the time he plowed over Yadi at home plate and knocked Yadi out of the game?

Kerry as a reliever is a clear loophole but I like it. Glendon Rusch is a great guy, and he almost died in the Cubs' weight room. He threw a blood clot before a game late in the 2006 season at Wrigley. Plus, like Fergie, Greggie, Z and Wood, Rusch could hit. So that's fun.

But what is this Ryan Dempster, LaTroy Hawkins bullshit? Dempster's the worst. Just a human annoyance. And LaTroy was such an asshole. Dempster fucked him in 2004 when he couldn't get three Mets out with a three run lead in the ninth and LaTroy had to pitch for the sixth time in seven days and blew a game in epic fashion, but LaTroy mostly just played the victim in his time with the Cubs.

And, if I hadn't seen this happen with my own eyes, I don't think I'd have believed it possible.

CHICAGO, May 6 (UPI) – A throwing error by LaTroy Hawkins in the ninth inning led to two Philadelphia runs Friday as the Phillies rallied past the Chicago Cubs, 3-2.

With the Phillies trailing by a run going into the ninth, Pat Burrell singled off Hawkins and pinch-runner Jason Michaels reached second on an infield single by David Bell.

One out later, Jose Offerman walked to load the bases.

That brought up pinch-hitter Placido Polanco, who hit a liner right back at Hawkins.

Hawkins caught the ball for the second out, but his throw to first base in an attempt to double up Offerman and end the game sailed into the stands.

That allowed Philadelphia to take the lead and Billy Wagner then worked a perfect bottom of the ninth to get the victory. Wagner (1-0) had blown a Cubs lead in the eighth.

I was at this game with my wife. We'd been to the game in Milwaukee the day before and E-ramis tied the game in the ninth with a two out homer off Derrick Turnbow, only for LaTroy to cough it back up in the bottom of the ninth on a looping pop single over Jerry Hairston Jr's head at second base.

In this game against the Phillies, Mark Prior allowed just four hits and a run in eight innings with 10 strikeouts. He finished the eighth with 105 pitches and Dusty uncharacteristically took him out, but it made sense because just five days before Prior had given up eight runs in five innings at Houston, so why push it? Prior was back to being good. Let him leave this one on a good note.

LaTroy came in and everything went to shit. Pat Burrell singled, and then David Bell was trying to bunt him to second, couldn't do it, on an 0-2 count he topped one to LaTroy who couldn't get to it to make a play. Ryan Howard came up to hit one 500 feet, but LaTroy struck him out. Jose Offerman hit for former Cub All-Star Marlon Byrd and LaTroy walked him to load the bases.

That's when things really went nuts.

Placido Polanco hit a line drive right back to LaTroy who caught it. The runners were all way off their bases, he had an easy out at third, second or first to end the game. He made the sensible move to throw it to first, but he hesitated and then gunned one to Lee, but the ball hit Offerman in the helmet and it bounced into the stands. By rule the runners all advanced two bases and not only was the lead gone, the Cubs were now trailing 3-2.

And that's how it ended.

My wife asked, "Does that happen a lot?"

Let's just say LaTroy's not my favorite.

At least Jim Hendry traded him three weeks later.