A closer look at the Bears coaching candidates

A closer look at the Bears coaching candidates
Honestly, we're as confused as you are, buddy.

The Bears are interviewing several thousand dudes

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The Bears list of interview requests for their open head coaching position is getting very long and people are starting to freak out about it. Is the search unfocused? These are the Bears, of course it's unfocused. Do they know what they're doing? These are the Bears, of course they don't know what they're doing. Are they going to botch it? Again, these are the Bears.

On Tuesday, so wowed by Jordan Love's inept display in Philadelphia, the Bears called the Packers to see if their human thumb of an offensive coordinator, Adam Stentavich can come out to play, and interview for the job. He makes the EIGHTEENTH request they've made. Eighteen? As Groucho Marx once said, "I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once and a while."

Anyway, let's look at all the candidates and break it down scientifically.

Mike Vrabel, former Titans head coach, current Patriots head coach (interviewed Jan. 8)
Vrabel was considered one of the top two candidates for jobs this cycle, but once the Patriots launched Jerod Mayo after one season, it was pretty apparent that Vrabel would go back to the place he won three Super Bowls as a player. And if for some reason he didn't do that, he would certainly have gone to Las Vegas to work for the Raiders now that Tom Brady is about to ditch his shrieky TV analyst job ("That's right KB!") for after the Super Bowl to run.

What Kevin Warren would have said about Vrabel at the press conference: "He's a leader of men, a large man, a man who wears very large pants and a winner. He was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one. Even though he made George poop himself a little when he saw him in person.

Ben Johnson, Lions offensive coordinator (interviewed Jan. 11)
If Vrabel were one of the top two candidates, Johnson is the other one. He's this year's sexy coordinator, just a year after he was last year's sexy coordinator. He seems a little odd, but he's a football coach and by nature they're all that way in at least some regard. There is the concern that not all good coordinators make good head coaches, but you never know for sure until you try it. One thing that shouldn't be a concern with Johnson is what we saw with Matt Nagy, where he brought an offense that wasn't really his, and he didn't really know how to run it and after nine weeks he'd already shown the league every combination of plays that he had and it all went belly up. Ben Johnson isn't running Andy Reid's offense, or Kyle Shanahan's offense, or Sean McVay's version of Kyle Shanahan's offense. He's running his own. Now, if he could bring a few of those Lions' linemen with him, that'd be good, too.

What Kevin Warren will say about Johnson at the press conference. "He's an innovator of the ilk of Thomas Edison, George Washington Carver and Billy Mays. He was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one. I am very excited to work with a fellow genius, and fascinated by who he wants to hire as GM once we fire Ryan Poles in 11 months."

Mike McCarthy, former Cowboys and Packers head coach (will interview Jan. 15)
The Bears signaled their interest in The Beav back at the start of this whole process when they pissed off Jerry Jones by requesting an interview with McCarthy even though he was still in the exclusive negotiating window spelled out in his recently expired Cowboys contract. On paper, McCarthy makes a lot of sense. He's won more playoff games as a coach (11) than every Bears coach since George Halas combined (10). He runs a quarterback friendly offense that turned Aaron Rodgers into a star and turned Dak Prescott into the MVP runner-up last year. He's a big fat boy and we love our big fat boys. But...he also managed to only go to one Super Bowl despite having Rodgers as his QB for 13 years, and despite the Packers dominance over the Bears since the start of the Brett Far-vuh-ruh era, McCarthy managed to lose to them nine times in 13 years. The reality is that even though we don't like the big dope, he's probably one of the three best choices on this list. If he came to the Bears and won it would drive Packers fans nuts, but if he came and they continued to suck it would just be that more elk dung for those northwoods weirdos to hurl at us.

What Kevin Warren will say about McCarthy at the press conference: "His record speaks for itself, and that record is the the Commodores' classic Sail On. He was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one. Mike did a wonderful job with the Packers taking them to several Super Bowls and then many more with the Cowboys. I also am a big fan of his wife, Melissa, and that scene where she poops in the sink is about the funniest thing I've ever seen. 'It's coming out of me like lava!' I've been there. Boy, haven't we all?"

Aaron Glenn, Lions defensive coordinator (interviewed Jan. 11)
For all of the dopes out there mad at the Bears for not having Vrabel interview in person, it was such a forgone conclusion around the league that he was going to the Patriots that Glenn refused to interview there because he knew it would be a waste of time. Glenn does seem like a guy who will be a pretty good head coach. He's smart, he's not afraid to get on guys and they seem to like him anyway. It's not fair to him, but I can't see the Bears following up the Flus disaster with another first-time head coach who was a defensive coordinator.

What Kevin Warren will say about Glenn at the press conference: "John Glenn was the first man to orbit the Earth and I truly believe that Aaron Glenn will be the second. I look at him and I see a true leader, someone who can circumnavigate the NFL and take the Bears to a long awaited championship. He was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one."

Pete Carroll, former Seattke, USC, New England and New York Jets head coach (interviewed Jan. 9)
Marv Levy is 99 years old. Marv could probably have handled being an NFL coach well into his 80s. Pete seems to have much of the same positive outlook and energy that Marv has. So Pete being 73 years old probably isn't as big of a deal as it would be with just about anybody else. But that doesn't make this a good idea. I can see him appealing to George McCaskey because he'll make George feel good about himself (for once) and I can see Kevin Warren dreaming of Pete helping him sell people on all of his dumb stadium ideas. The Bears could do worse than a guy who coached in two Super Bowls, won one, and coached in three National Championship games and won two of them (one that still counts). And they probably will. But if the idea here is to build something sustainable, do we really need them to hire a coach who was born in the early 1950s?

What Kevin Warren will say about Pete at his press conference: "I thought I was full of Pollyanna horseshit and then I met Pete, and realized I need to step up my game. He was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one."

Ron Rivera, Super Bowl XX champion, coached a few places (interviewed Jan. 12)
Honestly, I think when the Bears list got to like 15, it became impossible for them to deny him an interview. He took the Panthers to a Super Bowl, but truth is, he's never really been a very good coach. His "Riverboat Ron" nickname was mostly sarcastic because after being the most conservative coach on going for it on fourth down he finally gave it a shot a few times. He's basically on here because he's kinda like a legacy pledging a frat, only instead of his dad or older brother being a former member, he's a Super Bowl champion Bear.

What Kevin Warren will say about Ron at his press conference: "OK. OK, this guy is a real zero that's true. But let's think back to when you guys were new here. Huh. Biggsy, you had a face like a pepperoni pizza, right? And Fishbain here, everybody thought the Fish was brain damaged. I myself was so obnoxious that Olin Kreutz used to beat me up once a week--except for that week when he beat Adam Hoge up instead. So this guy is a total loser? Well, let me tell you the story of another loser. Oh, and he was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one."

Mike Kafka, Giants offensive coordinator, former Northwestern QB and St. Rita alum (interviewed Jan. 9)
Nope. Maybe as an offensive coordinator if the Bears go defense with the hire. And that could make sense because even though he has the OC title in New York, Brian Daboll calls the plays and runs the offense, so a real offensive coordinator job would in effect be a promotion. Kafka took over working with Patrick Mahomes in Kansas City when Nagy left to come fuck up the Bears. Poles and Kafka would have worked together with the Chiefs. I just can't believe he's really in the running for this head coaching job.

What Kevin Warren will say about Kafka at the press conference: "I admire his work, but I'm more of a Kierkegaard man myself. And I'm a guy who wouldn't know Camus from Shamu. He was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one."

Drew Petzing, Cardinals offensive coordinator (interviewed Jan. 9)
Huh?

What Kevin Warren will say about Drew at his press conference: "I cannot say for certain that I even know who this gentleman is. He was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one."

Anthony Weaver, Dolphins defensive coordinator (interviewed Jan. 9)
Weaver is extremely well thought of around the league and he's absolutely going to be a head coach this year or next. I've had breakfast with him once, back when he was a player at Notre Dame and he was very nice to my dad, so I'm a fan. But the same thing applies to him with regard to this job as Glenn. I can see the Bears going defense if they feel a guy is the right fit, but I do not see them hiring a first time head coach who is a defensive coordinator.

What Kevin Warren will say about Anthony at his press conference: "Look at this handsome man with all those ripply muscles. See, folks, this is why guys like Anthony and myself get up at four a.m. and are driven an hour north of our palatial downtown condominiums to work out. We're practically twins. And not the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Danny DeVito kind. He was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one."

Thomas Brown, Bears interim head coach (interviewed Jan. 13)
He had the thankless task of trying to run an offense he didn't install when he took over for the sentient glob of slow drying cement that is Shane Waldron, and then when he kind of was making that work he was suddenly asked to just take on all of the head coaching duties, too. Shockingly, it didn't work, and fair or not it not only killed any chance of staying on with the Bears as coach or OC, it will take a long time for him to ever get another real chance to be a head coach anywhere.

What Kevin Warren will say about Brown at his press conference: "That's not Mike Tomlin. You said we hired Mike Tomlin. Oh, well. He was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one."

Kliff Kingsbury, Commanders offensive coordinator, former head coach of the Cardinals)
Way back on the Friday after Thanksgiving when The Flus was fired I predicted the Bears would do a big search (not this big) and end up hiring Kliff. I think it's less likely now, but not that unlikely. I think he's got the fourth best chance behind Johnson, McCarthy, and Carroll. You can almost talk yourself into him. His work with Jayden Daniels has been impressive and for the first time in his career his offense didn't collapse after eight games, which it absolutely did at Texas Tech and with the Cardinals. He wasn't a bad head coach in Arizona, but he was nothing special. He has a very overblown history with Caleb (he was a time-limited consultant with USC last year), but they do seem to have a decent rapport. If they get this far down on their list, they've really fucked it all up. So, chances are, they'll get this far down the list.

What Kevin Warren will say about Kliff at his press conference: "You guys ever see his house in Phoenix? I should put him in charge of the stadium. Hah, just kidding. I'm not giving that up, even if it means we end up playing in that landfill in Gary where Mike North gave those rats tetanus. He was clearly the right man for the job and our target from day one."

There are a bunch more guys who have yet to have confirmed interview dates, so let's just speed round them.

Marcus Freeman, former preseason Bear, current Notre Dame head coach
I wonder if the Bears will be as excited about Freeman in a week after they get blown out in the championship game? Freeman's had a great year after losing to the greatest of all Mountain West programs in week two. And he's going to be a great college head coach, but I don't think he's even there yet. He's 39, and he could very well be an NFL coach some day, but that time isn't, and shouldn't be, now.

David Shaw, former Stanford coach, current Broncos front office dude
I really like David Shaw, and I wish the Bears hadn't shoved their head up Bill Polian's ass in the last search and widened that search beyond guys Bill has had shrimp cocktail at St. Elmo's with. Shaw would have been a great hire at that stage in the rebuild, and I'll bet it would have gone much better and he'd still be the coach. But I don't think the timing for this works now. If they did it, I'd be fine with it. I just can't see them actually doing it.

Todd Monken, Ravens offensive coordinator
Speaking of local guys (we were, back up there a while ago with Kafka) Monken's from Wheaton. He runs a cool offense, and he's gotten incredible play out of Lamar Jackson, and unlike Greg Roman he's not afraid to let Lamar throw, a lot. He had head coaching experience at Southern Miss, but his best work has been in his last five years as the OC first at Georgia and now two years in Baltimore. He's got a colorful vocabulary, which will certainly make George blush, but his track record suggests he'd be good for this offense and for Caleb. I could see the Bears pivoting to him if Johnson goes elsewhere, but I think they're far more likely to hire McCarthy, Carroll or Kliff.

Joe Brady, Bills offensive coordinator
Seems like a guy who is a good offensive coordinator and should stay that way.

Matt Campbell, Iowa State head coach
What is Chicago's obsession with hiring coaches from Iowa State? They already ruined Tim Floyd's career, exiled Fred Hoiberg to Nebraska and now they're trying to screw things up for this guy? Just leave him alone.

Brian Flores, Vikings offensive coordinator, former Dolphins coach
His Dolphins' tenure was weird, with him being told to tank games and then him being mean to Tua Tagovailoa and then him getting fired and suing the league. That's the part that makes me think he has no shot at the Bears' job. I can't see George hiring a guy in active litigation against his beloved NFL. I think he'd do a lot of good for this pampered Bears' roster, but hiring him would require not only making sure he hired a very good OC (which they blew last year) but also entrusting him to not butt heads with Caleb. There are just much better fits than him and this team.

Arthur Smith, Steelers offensive coordinator, former Falcons coach
Does he still have the creepy mustache he grew in Atlanta?

That thing in itself is a non-starter.

Adam Stenavich, Packers offensive coordinator
Hey, Luke Getsy 2.0! Sure, why not? Remember what I said about not hiring an offensive coordinator who is running somebody else's offense? And remember when I called him a human thumb. Well...

I don't really care that the Bears are interviewing this many guys. If they really are going to hire Ben Johnson (a big if) they can't even bring him into the building until the Lions' season ends, so they've got lots of time and unlimited Zoom minutes.

Besides, when dipshits like David Huh are getting all worked up over how many guys they are interviewing, it's just proof that it's working.

And for those of us who insist they have to hire an offensive coach, there are eight teams left in the playoffs. Half of them are led by a coach who was a defensive coordinator or special teams coordinator (DeMeco Ryans, Dan Quinn, Jon Harbaugh, Sean McDermott) three of them are led by guys who were offensive coordinators (Andy Reid, Sean McVay, Nick Sirianni) and one is led by a guy who was the lead guitarist for Anthrax (Dan Campbell.)

Good coaches get good play out of good players, regardless of their background.